The Key To A Successful Relationship

The Key To A Successful Relationship

 

 

If you were to ask me about the one thing that determines whether a couple will have a successful relationship, I’d think you were crazy. I mean: trying to boil down all of the complexities of a relationship into one single line of advice? My average column hits 2200 words and you think I’m someone who can boil things down to a soundbite? Something you can slap on a bumper-sticker?

But as it turns out, there’s an answer. And it’s deceptively simple.
It’s how the two of you choose to look at your relationship.

One of the biggest mistakes people make is that they assume their view of reality is both accurate and objective. We tend to believe that what we see and experience is 100% exactly what’s going on in the world around us. The only time we really start to question the subjectivity of reality is after a couple of deep bong rips in college.

“Shit man, what if essence really does precede existence?”

In reality, however, our brains lie to us all the damn time.  We can only handle so much information at one time, so in order to free up space, our brains skip over things and fill in the blanks based on what we know and what we expect to happen. We filter our reality through our assumptions and preconceived notions. Part of why most automobile accidents take place within five miles of your home is because the area is so familiar to you that your brain quits paying attention and goes on auto-pilot. It fills in the blanks based on what it believes to be there. Then that pick-up comes barrelling out of nowhere and you literally didn’t see it coming.
But what does this have to do with relationships?

Well, it’s about expectations. Much as with confirmation bias, when you expect to see something or hear something, you will. The same thing applies to relationships: what you expect is what you will get. Not because the experience is manifestly different, but how you perceive and react to it will be.
Now, the big question is: how does this apply to you as a couple?

Celebrate The Good, Minimize The Bad

Since we see what we expect to see, it’s important to make sure that what you expect are the best parts of your relationship. The problem is that the bad almost always outweighs the good in our minds. Because we have this inborn negativity bias, we often let the good times pass without comment while the bad times hit us like a ton of bricks.

That’s why it’s so important to celebrate the good times in your life. Not “acknowledge.” “Celebrate.” Sure, people in a happy, loving relationship can take their partners’ pride in them for granted. But even in the happiest, schmoopiest of relationships, nothing feels better than to get that little burst of validation from someone you love. It’s lets them know that you see what they’ve done and you want them to know, without a doubt, how proud you are.

That’s why it’s good to celebrate life’s little victories; it reaffirms that you appreciate your partner’s accomplishments, just as they appreciate yours.
Yeah, it can feel cheesy to make a big deal out of, say, finally nailing that recipe that’s been giving you trouble. It brings to mind ever Baby Boomer who’s ever complained about kids getting participation trophies for just showing up.

“Way to devalue real accomplishment. Asshole.
Love you!”

But there’s legitimate value in making a fuss over even relatively small accomplishments. Those little celebrations can actually be more important to a successful relationship than simply being the rock they can rely on when shit goes down. Yes, supporting your partner during the bad times is important. Being one pillar of their support system is like the first aid of your relationship. You’re staunching the bleeding and stabilizing the patient. However, that’s all you’re doing… relationship triage.  Cheering your partner on and being cheered on in turn, on the other hand, is what helps heal the relationship.

Knowing that somebody sees the little things we’ve done, who knows what they mean to us and thinks that it’s great that we’ve achieved it? That’s a warm fuzzy feeling that makes us feel closer than before. And most importantly: celebrating those little moments is fun. Fun doesn’t become any less important when you’re in a relationship than when you’re dating. The more fun you have in your relationship as a couple, the more it strengthens your connection, your commitment and your intimacy.

So when you or your partner have some good news, overcome some obstacle or reach a goal at work, celebrate a little. It doesn’t have to be a giant production; a little reward or minor indulgence is all you need. Your celebration might be a nice foot massage or an extra glass of wine. It might even just be getting excited and asking for all of the details so your partner can feel like the conquering hero as they relive the moment.

The way you celebrate is ultimately less important than the fact that you do it and make it a habit. That becomes part of the programming of your relationship.

Affection Makes The Difference

While we’re on the subject of making sure our partners know how we feel, it’s also important to demonstrate our love and affection for one another. It’s one thing to assume that our partners know that we care for them, but it’s another to show it.

One of the traps that we can fall into over the course of a relationship is that we stop being affectionate with our partners. Things become routine, rote, even. We do things because they’re expected, part of what we do every day, rather than out of genuine feeling. A quick kiss before you go out the door, saying “I love you too” reflexively… if we aren’t careful, those just become part of the background radiation of a relationship. We become less like a couple than a pair of Disney animatronics, performing their daily routines with no feeling behind them.
When we want keep those positive associations going so we are primed to see the best in our partners and our relationship, we need to make a point to express ourselves. Not just to say the words or perform the expected observances, but to make a point of demonstrating and expressing our fondness for the person we love. After all, whether you’ve been with someone for six months or sixty years, we still like to know that they’re happy and want to be with us.

Let’s look at Patrick Swayze in Ghost. The fact that Swayze’s character Sam can’t say “I love you,” is a minor plot point; Demi Moore’s character Molly feels a little put out by the fact that Sam just says “Ditto” when she tells him that she loves him. Sam clearly feels the emotions even though he can’t say them. However, it feels less like a playful moment of someone who’s uncomfortable with intimacy to just… doing what’s expected. Even sweetly-intended jokes can damage the relationship in tiny ways if done for too long. It’s like being stabbed with a toothpick. On it’s own, it’s not a big deal. But those small cuts and stings add up over time, and it sets a specific tone and expectation.

This is the birth of a wonderful ro-meh-nce.

On the other hand, you have my favorite fictional couple, Gomez and Morticia. Not a day goes by without a “Cara mia” or a reminder of how much they mean to one another. Critically, it doesn’t feel forced or rote; it feels like a genuine expression of affection. They’re deliberately setting up what to expect from the future of their relationship.

If you want to make your relationship a generally more positive one, make sure that you keep up your affection for one another. You don’t need to make a production how much you love someone — that can end up feeling like you’re making a joke — but you do want to express your fondness and affection for one another. Compliments, terms of endearment and flirting are all ways of keeping that feeling of affection alive. So too are little touches; not just kisses or hugs (though those are important) but the casual physical contact that reminds them that you like being with them. Your hands on their waist, your knee next to theirs and snuggling up to them on the couch or in bed… these are all ways of reminding your partner that you care.

They may be little gestures, but those little gestures build up over time too.

Want A Successful Relationship? Manage “Me vs. We”

Another key to the way you perceive your relationship is managing the “me” vs. “we” factor.
There’s a delicate balancing act when it comes to a successful relationship. You’re both an individual with their own wants and needs but also part of a gestalt being — that numinous “we” that you and your partner built together. You are both the individual pilots and Voltron.

Defender of the universe, yet still can’t agree on what you want to eat for dinner…

You construct that “we” out of your time together, of the life you’ve shared and the work you’ve both put in. You have to be willing to commit to that “we” — that is, to the relationship the two of you have built. Focusing on the “we” means that you put aside your own wants and needs and doing the things that support the relationship. Notice very carefully that I didn’t say your partner’s needs. While that is important, that’s not what I’m talking about here. Your partner’s needs aren’t the same as the relationship’s needs. The relationship requires maintenance from the two of you working on concert with one another.

This is, of course, a tricky line to walk at times. While it’s important to have a life outside of your relationship, it’s also important to remember that at the end of the day, you’ve chosen to be together. You’re individuals yes, but you’re also a couple and that relationship is supposed to be greater than the two of you apart.
You will have things that you want. Your partner will have things that they want. It’s important that you both indulge each other’s needs and do things specifically for your partner… but that’s not the “we”, that’s two “me’s”.

You both will have to be willing to sacrifice your interests and time to do things that are specifically for the relationship itself. This sacrifice may be something as simple as establishing a date night and sticking to it. Alternately, it may be something as fun as finding couples activities that encourage the two bond on a deeper and more meaningful level. It may be something as emotionally difficult as setting up a recurring appointment with a relationship counselor to iron out issues that you’re unable to resolve yourselves.
If you want your relationship to last, you’ve got to remember that your “we” isn’t just you and them, it’s what the two of you have built together.

The Glory Is In The Struggle

Into every relationship, some strife must fall. How you respond to those hard times is what will make the difference in the long run. Do you believe that trouble is inevitable and hard times are there to be endured? Or do you dig in your heels, spit into your hands and get ready to do whatever it takes to get through to the other side?

That choice is significant, because it could affect the rest of your relationship together. Couples who see trouble as something to be endured are far more likely to break up than the ones who treat it as something to overcome.
There are two factors at work here. The first is simply the locus of control. Couples who are content to passively endure the hard times are functionally giving up their ability to affect their relationships. In focusing on endurance and simply trying to bear up under the stresses of a relationship, they’re saying that they’re helpless to do anything to better their position. Relationships are hard and shit happens, so wear a hat.

“Now maybe we can get through our Netflix queue without major trauma…”

Couples who gear up to work through the problems, on the other hand, are coming at it from a place of agency. In trying to overcome whatever life throws at them, they are taking an active role in their own relationship. They know that things are tough — they’re facing the same problems as everyone else and feeling them just as keenly — but they’re choosing to work together to get through. They believe that they are can make things if they work at it, as long as they try. That belief, that fundamental optimism of “this is hard, but we can work harder,” gives them the emotional resilience to keep trying. They get knocked down, but they get back up again. They tire, but they endure.

Like a bird pecking away at at mountain, they may not make much progress at first. But by fighting for their relationship, they know they can break through eventually. They keep at it until they wear that mountain away.
And it’s that struggle together that leads to the other factor that determines who stays together and who breaks up: the reinforcement of  “me vs. we”. Couples who simply endure are maintaining the status quo. They don’t commit to the “we”. They continue to do the same things over and over and watching their relationship fall apart under the stress.

Couples, on the other hand, who struggle and fight are committing to the “we”. They are growing and changing together. In taking a position of conscious effort and improvement, they’re having to work together as a team. They have to communicate and cooperate. They’re finding new and different ways of solving their problems as a unit and it’s bringing them closer together. The times are hard, the pain is great and the stress is almost unbearable. But in working together and rising up to the challenge, they come out the other side stronger and better than they were before. They fight on because they know that in the end, it’s worth it.
That’s the glory in the struggle to make a relationship last. There will be times when it’s nothing but frustration and pain. There will be times when it seems like nothing would go right if you stuck a gun to it’s head. But when those times come, if the two of you look at each other, roll up your sleeves and prepare to face those troubles head on… you’ll find yourselves breaking through to the other side and ready to face the other challenges life throws at you.
And that leads us to the most important part about making a relationship last…

You Build A Successful Relationship With The Stories You Tell

At the end of the day, the success of your relationship revolves around the stories you tell about your relationship. Is it the story of two people who muddle through life? Or do you tell the story of two determined bastards who’ve fought for every scrap they have and love each other all the more for it?
Sounds a bit woo-woo crazy-pants, doesn’t it? But there’s actual science to back it up. A study from the University of Washington found that the longevity of a couple’s relationship could be predicted with 94% accuracy based on how couples describe their relationship history.

See, the stories we tell about our relationships define who we are as a couple. Those stories correspond to how we perceive the way our relationships have progressed. The more negatively you describe your relationship, the more you’re predicting the future of your relationship together. Those negative beliefs are going to color the way you see everything in your life with your partner. They could be sitting quietly eating Triscuits and they’d still be pissing you off. Look at them eating crackers like they’re not the worst person in the world.

“Tiscuitts? Triscuitts?! WE ARE A WHEAT-THINS HOUSEHOLD!”

Alternately, the more positively you describe your relationship, the more that positivity is going to influence your perceptions. Yeah, you’re struggling right now, but you know that deep down, you both love each other and at the end of the day there’s nobody you’d rather have at your back.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that you’re supposed to pretend that you didn’t have to struggle. You don’t act as though you didn’t have hard times or that there weren’t moments that by God you were ready to choke a motherfucker.
It doesn’t matter how much you love one another. It doesn’t matter how much sex you have or how many separate vacations you take. Every couple has times when they are just sick of each other’s shit.

It’s how you choose to view those times that makes all the difference. And it is a choice. As someone wise once told me: pain is inevitable. Everybody’s going to get hurt at one point or another. But while pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. You may hurt. You may get angry. Hell, you will have days when you’re so pissed off that you’re quivering with suppressed rage. But if you can grit your teeth and hold on to that core of love at the center of your relationship – you know, the one I’ve been talking about over and over – then you can find the strength to get through those bad times and back into the good.

And when the good times come again: how are you going to describe what happened? What is the story that you will ultimately tell about your relationship? Are those bad times simply a matter of how close you came to ending things, or are they a time when the lightning flashed and the pillars of Heaven shook and the two of you lashed yourselves together and rode through the storm?

Do you talk about how you made a mistake when you got married? Or perhaps you reminisce more about the days when you were single and free? Are your stories about how you miss those days? Do you talk about them as though it was the worst time of your lives? Is it a miracle that you got through it at all?
Or — like Gomez and Morticia — do you look at it as a struggle that brought you two closer together? Did it nearly tear you apart, or did it show you that you had more work to do and inspired you both to work harder?
Do you talk about how marriage may be a struggle, but at the end of the day, you agree that it’s worth every hard-fought moment? Or do you talk about the hard times and the bitterness? Can you find the good that came from your tribulations and focus on that instead?
The stories you tell about yourselves will be what determines your future together. So it’s up to you.

Tell your story.

Just make sure it’s a good one.

by Dr. NerdLove  

The post The Key To A Successful Relationship appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

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The Only 2 Times You Should Tell Your BFF You’re In Love With Them

The Only 2 Times You Should Tell Your BFF You’re In Love With Them

I typed the words, “should I tell my best friend I’m in love with them?” into Google and found odd comfort in the solidarity that other people posed the same question. Many times, actually, in all sorts of phrasing. I felt particularly grateful for the rhetoric that resonated with my own. But, like many, I took most comfort in believing my situation was different.
For the record, the consensus is not to tell. An overwhelming majority concede that it’s best to move on in your own time without causing temporary or permanent trauma to the friendship. After all, what hurts more: losing your best friend, or missing out on the chance they’ll feel the same?
There’s two important health checks to assess first: One, how do you know it’s love? And two, is the benefit of telling the person greater than the loss of losing them?
I decided to tell and here’s why.

Health check one: Is it love?

It took months of consideration, assessment and reflection to draw the dichotomy between loving someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life as partners with him or her by your side. I used associated and disassociated techniques found in NLP training to think about how I saw myself and felt in the relationship.
I wondered if conversation and great sex would survive alongside financial fights and domestic chores. Would the bubble around utopia burst with reality? It takes honest consideration because making a permanent decision on temporary emotions is a recipe for regret.
The second part to the first health check (yes, life is complicated), is confronting your motive. Is it altruistic or is it hubris? An altruistic motive places your heart in the right place; you’re speaking up with the best intentions and for the selfless greater good. A Machiavellian mind could be acting out of ill-placed emotions.
Are you qualifying your ego? Fulfilling a need for temporary attention in the wrong place? Or even setting up your friend to fail the test of love?
If there’s a slice of doubt of whether to tell, it’s a stop sign.

Health check two: Will you risk the friendship if it doesn’t work out?

Part two’s heath check is a balancing act; is the benefit of telling the person greater than the loss of losing them? This is a contingency plan, giving you a taste of the loss that could ensue if your feelings are not reciprocated.
Firstly, a “best friend” is hard to come by and harder to replace. If your feelings have started to encroach on your ability to remain friends and not be disappointed by lulls in communication or unmet expectations, then it’s a good sign you’re on the way to telling.
For others, the possibility of jeopardizing your friendship is simply too much to bear.
The litmus test for this balancing act comes down to your honest expectation of their response. So you’ve told your best friend you love them; how will they react? You should have a reasonable expectation of what happens next.
If, deep down, you don’t believe they feel the same (maybe they’re in a serious relationship or maybe they’ve never made an advance), then the balance may lean toward not telling. Don’t bring unnecessary pain to the friendship if you can move on from your feelings in time.
Again, if there’s a slice of doubt of whether to tell, it’s a stop sign.
Now, if you’ve passed health check one and two, you know your love is genuine and the friendship will be unsuccessful anyway given your feelings, it’s time to tell.
We live in a fast-paced world crammed with disposable mating, digital dating and medicated fixes. We don’t like to feel pain and we’re wired to think quick. It’s likely why our emotions feel like a moving target; some stay grounded, others are fleeting and some poke their head from time to time. If for no other reason than to slow it all down to be sure, assess your motives before throwing “love” around like confetti and “best friends” around like they’re replicable.
How to tell your best friend you love them? Well, that is a whole other story.



Via Dating – Elite Daily by Nicole Crowley:
The Only 2 Times You Should Tell Your BFF You’re In Love With Them

What It’s Like To Travel Across The World For A First Date

What It’s Like To Travel Across The World For A First Date

Once upon a time, not so very long ago, I did something a little crazy. On one hand, this story may evoke admiration amongst the adventurous romantics of the world. On the other hand, it may call my sanity into question.

But here’s the thing: While my 20s and free passes for reckless behavior quickly slip away, I justify my choices by asking myself a simple question. What good is life without spontaneity and irrational, emotion-fueled decisions?

Meeting people online these days is pretty standard. We are a Facebooking, Tindering, Couch-surfing generation, after all. While I’ve done some strange things in my life, including but not limited to going on my fair share of internet-generated dates and moving across the world, I never imagined that Instagram would be the platform to launch an international whirlwind of a romance.

Here’s how it all started:
I was on an island in Thailand, the stunning Southeast Asian country that tempted me away from home for two years. I was in the middle of a beach scene worthy of a desktop screensaver. Despite this actually being my reality, I was shamefully glued to my phone. It was then, bikini-clad and epitomizing iPhone addiction, that a hot, seemingly well-traveled guy started to follow me on Instagram.
Now, perusing through an Instagram profile offers a lot of information about a person. In five minutes, those squares told me everything I needed to know.
I could clearly see he was good-looking, he’d been to numerous places around the world, he liked dogs, he worked out, he had an active social life, there were no recurring females to indicate that he was taken and he was close with his family (quite a mama’s boy by the looks of it.)

I followed back. He responded by liking a few pictures and commenting on my latest post. Feeling particularly bold, I decided to send a direct message: “So you’re adorable, how’d ya find me?” Turned out, in one of my #travel liking sprees, I’d liked one of his pictures. Our conversation quickly escalated into exchanging Facebook information and striking up conversation there. Thank you, social media.
David* was an English dreamboat bouncing between London, England and Marbella, Spain. Unapologetically intrigued by one another, we started talking incessantly, whenever our waking hours coincided. Something just clicked; I didn’t think twice about what to say and everything flowed effortlessly.

David had been to Thailand several times, and we had a lot in common. In addition to texting, we started exchanging short video clips, and I’d die a little bit inside every time I heard his ridiculously charming accent. Things accelerated quickly, and suddenly meeting each other was on the table.

I’d conveniently orchestrated a week off between jobs, and he didn’t have the typical 9 to 5. So who should go where? When David told me he was going to Spain during my week off, suddenly I knew I was, too.
We scheduled a FaceTime date to discuss our impulsive idea more seriously. Never had someone been more on my page; never had someone considered the outlandish things I considered.

We didn’t hesitate at all, which is the only way something crazy like this ever actually comes to fruition. I sent my first direct message on June 20. By June 25 I had a flight. By July 5 I had traveled nearly 19 hours and was toting a suitcase around Malaga Airport, nervously looking for this stranger that I would meet in person for the very first time.

With only five full days to spend in Spain, it would be a quick trip, considering the distance. The days spent together were not without their flaws (those English accents can be really hard to understand sometimes!), but we spent our days as this (no pun intended) insta-couple.

We had a romantic date night; we spent a lazy afternoon on the beach kissing and singing old ’90s hits from my iPod; we enjoyed homemade family dinners; we climbed a mountain and took risqué pictures at the top; we swam through a beautiful gorge; we took a boat to Old Town Marbella; we went on photo adventures and we explored swanky Puerto Banus and its nightlife.

It was like I’d walked onto the set of “The Bachelor,” but better. I had the exotic dates, the sexy man and thankfully, zero other women to beat off with a stick. As quickly as I’d arrived, it was time to head back to Bangkok. We set no expectations for what was to follow. Both of us were realistic enough to be content with the possibility that our time together might be nothing more than a crazy adventure.
While the internet has undoubtedly made the world a smaller place than ever, England and Thailand were still a considerable distance apart. The stars could not have aligned better to orchestrate our first meeting, but they kind of scattered across the sky after that.

David and I haven’t had the chance to see each other again, but we still talk to this day, over a year later.

Although we’ve both moved on, I consider him a close friend. We share our work and dating woes as well as our travel plans, the one thread and common interest that particularly connects us. Our moment may have passed, but I’m so glad to have had the adventure, and to have met someone else like me out there, someone willing to follow their heart and take a chance, even if it sounds like the craziest thing in the world.
In my book, it’s stories like these that make life worth living, and I plan on writing many more.


What It’s Like To Travel Across The World For A First Date

Via : Dating – Elite Daily by Lauren Carey


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How To Deal With Frenemies

How To Deal With Frenemies

The encounter was inevitable. Sooner or later you would have to meet him. Fate caught up with you at a company function. While getting a drink or taking another turn at the buffet, some mutual colleague introduced you to each other. You would be working together. Your education, skills, and knowledge were complementary, you were told, and the upcoming projects would need the two of you to put your heads together.

You are of similar age and socio-economic background. You are both good looking, charismatic, energetic, and are seen as the hot shots or rising stars of the practice. As the night wore on, you even discovered similar tastes in music and films and have more than a few hobbies in common.
By the end of the evening you believed you had found a new friend. A few days passed. The team assembled. You began working together.

You then start noticing certain seemingly innocent slights and moments of awkwardness. It was some time before you realized that he was taking credit for your work and painting you in a distorted and not wholly truthful light to your superior.
All the while the two of you were as tight as brothers. Eating, drinking, carousing, and chatting up women together. He even made a point of feeding you news and intelligence that has helped you in your work.

Things don’t add up. Your relationship with this man is baffling in the extreme.
If you are in the situation described above, or something like it, you have made not a friend or an enemy but a frenemy. A frenemy is someone who is at once a close friend and a dangerous rival. Such relationships occasionally spring up in your non-professional social circle, but the phenomenon is most commonly seen in the workplace.

Frenemies are the result of the longer hours people spend at work. You see them especially in high-end professions. Long stays in offsite and out-of-town locations, the need to meet frequently and work problems into the late evening, and the absence of any other society have created a situation in which the personal and professional are blurred. Who else are you going to have dinner with at eight o’ clock in the evening? Where else are you going to go for a chat and a bit of bar hopping?

But the colleague who becomes your friend is still as ambitious and hungry for money and success as you are. Many such persons will assume two states of thought and feeling at once. They will be a true and sincere friend and a scheming and maneuvering rival.

How to deal with such persons?
It is a difficulty. You may think that the best option is to cut them off completely. But that isn’t as easy as it seems. Giving your frenemy the cold shoulder may compel him to escalate his campaign against you, and treat you as a real enemy—a person who is to be destroyed rather than toyed with. Waging an outright war against him will lead to tension in the team, reduce its performance, and make it less productive than it ought to be. You will get the blame, which will lead to your going down with the person with whom you’ve decided to engage in an explicit battle of wills.
The better, smarter way of dealing with a frenemy is to beat him at his own game. Don’t allow yourself to be consumed by the little betrayals he’s committed.

Recognize that you are natural rivals: you are of the same age, the same temperament, and possess the same aims and ambitions. Turn that to your advantage. Do what your frenemy has done. Enlist persons who know and like you both on your side. Use them to monitor what he is up to and make early moves to counter whatever he has planned for you next.

What I have sketched above may seem like a strange way to live. But the complexities of the modern workplace make handling frenemies a necessity.


 by Christopher Reid from TSB Magazine

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If You Love A Leo, Pay Attention To Them Before It’s Too Late

If You Love A Leo, Pay Attention To Them Before It’s Too Late

Leo is known for being full of life, outgoing, lovable and exuberant.
But there are some Leos who are modestly confident, and more introverted in nature. They may not demand attention like extroverted Leos but they still enjoy getting it, and know that they’ve got something to offer. They simply may not be as inclined to talk about it with others.
Leo wants things to be good all the time and although they are prone to drama, Leo is more inclined to look on the bright side. Leo doesn’t want to be on bad terms with anyone, if anything they will go out of their way to be nice to their enemies. Leo is a “kill them with kindness” type, and often won’t stoop to insults during a conflict. Leo is the often the person you can rely on. They have their friends’ backs come hell or high water.
Leo rules the heart and loves deeply, but they don’t want just anybody. When they meet the right person, they will just know. It will be instinctual. When a Leo decides that they want you, they will be eternally yours.
The thing is, Leo needs attention. A Leo needs to be adored, pet, and loved. When Leo isn’t getting this in their relationship, they will find it somewhere else.
It’s not to say that they cheat (though they could), but they will turn towards something or someone who is going to boost their ego. Emotional cheating does occur here, as well as flirtations.
Some Leos, who cross this line, will find solace in someone else. In other cases, merely engaging with good friends can bring out the best in Leo and restore them.
Here are five reasons why you should always pay attention to your Leo:

1. A Leo is the type to think, “stroke my back and I’ll stroke yours.”

Your Leo will build you up when your kingdom falls; they will be there to catch you. They will do anything for you, even if this means putting their own agenda second.
If a Leo is complimenting you all the time, it is a subconscious hint that they need some of this encouragement back. Leo needs to know that you love them, so be sure to tell them on a regular basis.
Leo is prepared to match you on every level. They are wired to do everything you do for them and then some. Leo will really surpass your expectations of what it means to be a good partner, and the people in your life will notice this.

2. A Leo brings flare, fun and personality into a relationship.

As a fire sign, Leo knows how to turn up the heat. They know how to create the perfect mood. They have a lot of passion in their heart, and they express this on the regular.
Leo lives their life for the things they love most, and the things they enjoy doing the most. The people in their lives are the most important to them. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a Leo in a career that doesn’t speak directly to their heart. Leo is the type to do what they love and love what they do.

3. A Leo has a sense of loyalty.

Even if the definition of being loyal changes, Leo will sacrifice their own needs for your loyalties.
So, Leo might forgive something that they should be upset about. Leo will make allowances for the people they love.
This can be a problem as Leo will lower their expectations in the relationship so they can complement the needs of their partner. Leo won’t even tell you when they are mad, though it will come out later (when things have accumulated for too long).
Leo doesn’t like to stir the pot if they can help it, but they do get frustrated when they give too much, and get back too little.
Loyalty is incredibly sacred to the Leo, and if you dishonor it, it will take time for Leo to forgive you and move forward. If Leo really loves you, they are almost always open to working it out.

4. A Leo likes being the center of attention.

You won’t want to miss Leo in action, as they quickly become the life of the party.
It is important for Leo that their partner finds them funny and enjoys their ability to work the room (when they want to).
Leo wants to feel supported, but Leo also wants the validation that they are enjoyable.
Leo is known for cracking jokes and telling stories. They bring the light. Shy or lazy Leo may seek entertainment on the sly, but they are probably known in their close circles for making people laugh and enjoy the moment.

5. A Leo has a tremendous amount of love to give, and they just want to be loved in return.

Leo needs to feel like they are loved and wanted.
They want to feel valued, and like their partner would never want anyone else. Consistent love is the key to keeping your Leo attentive. You have to remind them that they are loved and wanted.
Leo doesn’t want to be sexually rebuffed, and they don’t want you to be in bad spirits. Leo loves to cheer people up. In fact, Leo will do anything to lift your mood because it hurts them to see the people they care about unhappy. Leo wants you smiling.
Leo is also capable of loving people, even if they can’t be with them romantically. Leo has the power to see the good in everyone, and can’t escape the qualities in others which are admirable. Even if it didn’t work out with you and your Leo, they probably still have some love for you.
Leo can be flaky at times because they just want to make everyone happy and hate to let people down. They are happiest when they have love to come home to.
Leo is looking for someone they can love and trust for a lifetime.
The secret is always reminding your Leo why they are great. Keep the relationship adventurous and spicy.
Leo wants to feel like they are living, but they also need to know that they are loved.
Ignoring the concerns of your Leo could be dangerous. Ensure that they are satisfied, as Leo doesn’t always communicate what is bothering them.
As it’s been said, Leo likes to make other people happy, but it is important that they make themselves happy in return. Sometimes Leo is so caught up in the bright lights that they mistake love for infatuation, try to understand where your love comes from. Figure out if it has the potential to be a healthy, long-lasting relationship, which is mutually validating.


Article:
by Tara Chloe Dusanj


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How I Knew It Was Time To Leave Someone I Didn’t Want To

It’s easy to leave someone when they’ve driven to your house with all your stuff and ask to break up. It’s way harder though, to look them in the face and say you agree and believe it.
All of my family and some of my friends will just be finding out that I broke up with my boyfriend as they read this. I didn’t want to make calls and hear the disappointment in their voices, that’s not the response I need. What held the relationship together for a while was the expectation that we were together and should stay together.
This is not what a relationship is about. Staying true to yourself means you should constantly be changing yourself. Just because you’ve dressed a certain way your whole life doesn’t mean you can’t completely change your style one day if it feels right, and the same goes for your relationship.
A lot of friends I told have said, “I’m sorry.” Why not “congratulations?” If I’m getting out of a bad situation, so why is it assumed breaking up is a bad thing? Sympathy should feel more supportive than pity. I would have preferred a “I am here for you, how are you doing?” After all, no one died; I simply made a life decision.
I dated my now ex for over three years. We met in college and moved into the city separately to pursue our careers and each other. After we decided in person to break up, I sheepishly yet nostalgically said, “we had fun.” He responded, “we had something.”
Our relationship went most notably south last summer when I wanted a break from him. I felt like I wasn’t getting the attention, respect and mental stimulation that I deserved, and began to feel disappointed. I was 24 and afraid I made a life choice too quickly at 21. I’ve seen people settle around me, and I didn’t want to feel disappointed in a relationship for the rest of my life.
Instead of directly telling him how I felt, I started telling friends how I felt, and even convinced myself that I was starting to like someone else who was totally not right for me. My ex and I had a trip planned to go overseas with his family, so I decided that would be the make or break for me. That time, it ended up saving us.
The trip made everything clear to me, and my worries about commitment melted away — or so I told myself. I look back and realize how skewed it can be to evaluate your relationship in a family environment. You are surrounded by the dynamic you wish to create one day yourself, and everything appears a little easier. You see yourself in the family portrait and the familiarity feels comforting.
According to my Facebook feed, more people who stay where they grew up, or in another small town, tend to rush into marriage, whereas people who independently move to big cities wait longer. I think that’s really telling of people’s mind sets and priorities. Will you make do with what you have for the sake of love and family, or will you continue to grow through different experiences?
Months after our trip, my ex found text messages from the time I wanted to leave him, and he wanted to leave me that day. I begged him not to, and somehow got him to stay with me. For the next year I’d try to make it up to my bitter boyfriend.
I found myself taking pictures with him and saying he didn’t look happy to be with me and I’d try to take another. I began to realize the only time I was hearing I love you was in response to when I said it. He was just going through the motions and I was trying to make do.
When he left me officially, the last thing he said was, “let me know if you ever need anything.” I felt relieved I didn’t have to depend on that empty promise anymore.
Just like it takes two people to put effort into a relationship, it takes two to decide its fate. I was putting everything in his court, swearing to stay devoted. But eventually, I stopped listening to how I felt. Our relationship became all about gaining his trust back, when I never stopped to think if I even wanted it all back.
I realized he’d been gone for a long time, and I had been dating myself for a while. I asked myself why I was still in the relationship. If I was the only one trying to make me happy, shouldn’t I just be single?
I finally saw a therapist, and when I explained to her that I was a serial dater, hopping from one long-term boyfriend to another and always overly optimistic about my relationships, she told me it sounded more like I have co-dependency issues.
I’m 25, and the longest I’ve gone without being in a serious relationships is two months since freshman year of high school. I have never been on my own, and it’s exciting and scary at the same time.
With this built up bitterness, we both suffered a lot of emotional abuse. It’s a weird place to fall between both the victim and the villain. For a split second, sometimes I’ll think I could have done something to save our relationship.
But then I remember I don’t miss him; I miss the memory of him.
Loving someone who’s moved on is like being nostalgic for the house you grew up in, but all your family has since moved out. You can try to visit, but you’ll never be let back in. It will never be as warm and inviting as your home once was. And more likely than not, you’re probably going to get yelled at for walking on someone else’s lawn.
When he asked to break up and I said I wanted that too, at first I didn’t believe myself. But now I am grateful I did; what’s worse than not being in a relationship is being in half a relationship.
Thinking of three things helped me get me through the breakup. One is all the relationships I will now be able to invest more time and effort in. Many nights I’d skip out hanging out with my friends because I’d be having movie night or a family dinner with my boyfriend. Now I’m closer with some of my friends than I ever have been.
The second thing that gets me through is what I believe I deserve. I believe I deserve someone who supports me, who surprises me and who will love me for everything that I am.
The third thing is I also don’t need someone to tell me I’m beautiful and that I’m loved. I need to be able to tell myself that. For a while I was putting into a relationship what I so desperately needed out of it. Putting forth effort and compassion in a relationship just so you can receive it is a waste of time, and that’s why I decided to date myself.
I’m not speaking as a recovered person; I am still very much learning how to not become dependent. But I think it’s important to realize that being with someone isn’t necessary.
If you can date yourself you’ll never be lonely.

 by Kelley Lord  from
How I Knew It Was Time To Leave Someone I Didn’t Want To

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Why online dating sites are better way for senior people?

So you are looking to find someone to share those golden moments with you.  So why should you try dating sites for seniors?

Well there are a lot of reasons. 

Culturally, we have been moving away from the family unit and therefore you are less likely to know your neighbours than in times gone by. This means that it can be rather difficult to find potential partners particularly in the older age group.

A lot of older people are more reserved and thus not likely to hang around pubs and clubs looking for a partner.  The usual venues open to younger singles looking for a date aren't always an option.

Some people cannot face putting up a personal ad in the newspaper.  Contrary to popular opinion, this can be a great way to meet people but it is not suitable for everyone.

You could join a dining club.  The idea is that instead of meeting just one person for dinner which can be daunting, you meet a group of people for dinner and a chat.  Usually dining clubs would be arranged based loosely on age and you can expect to pay upwards of twice the cost of the meal.  They can be an excellent introduction to a new crowd of people but often the organisers complain that they never have enough men.

You could head to Lisdoonvarna in Ireland.  Every year they hold a huge singles event. People of all nationalities, sexual orientation and age descend on the area for the weekend.  Possibly not the best place to meet your life partner but you should enjoy a great holiday.

If you don't fancy the above ideas, dating sites give you the opportunity to meet people of your own generation who share similar likes and interests.  You cannot rely on your natural charm and good looks to get you a date, so most serious online daters learn how to court in the old fashioned sense of the word.  They know that they need to communicate properly - think of emails being the modern version of the courtship letters of bygone days. 

The internet is anonymous - this allows people to be themselves.  This is a good and a bad thing.   The positive side is that people can show their real selves, communicate properly for perhaps the first time and ask for what they really want.  The negative fact is that some people will use whatever medium available to publish their vile beliefs or to con people out of money, property etc.

Look at the quality of the dating site you join.  Some sites have put a lot of work and thought into their questionnaires.  If you complete these accurately, they really do help you find the right partner. 

A dating site for seniors might be just the key you need to unlock a new, lively social life.  Just the thing to keep you busy in your retirement!

Do men like it when women ask them out?

Do men like it when women ask them out?

Mr. Answer Man says: 

Men definitely like it when women ask them out. What's not to like? But before you get busy with your phone and address book, there are a few things you should know.

For starters, a part of the guy will wonder if you've called him up because you want to have sex with him. Guys are generally hoping to have sex whenever they go on a date, so this probably won't mean he'll behave any different, but you might want to set some limits early on. (Unless that is why you called him.)

Also, be prepared for lots of dating gray areas: Who'll drive? Who'll pay? Who'll decide where to go? The impetus is generally on the guy to control the flow of events on a date, but since you initiated things, how far will the initiative extend? Ideally, this will be part of the fun, but it can lead to baffled expectations on both sides.

Another thing to consider is something guys have been dealing with since time began: The answer might be no.


Article from Just Senior Singles.


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If Your Guy Doesn’t Have These 8 Qualities, Don’t Marry Him

Meeting the man of your dreams — the one you will want to marry — will not be an easy task.
Most girls have a pretty long list of desired qualities, which narrows the playing field for them quite a bit. And as they say, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your Prince Charming.
Your soul mate for life is not something you can plan or shop for. I mean, you can attempt to meet a lot of different guys, but I believe soul mates for life happen by destiny. It’s about being in the right place at the right time.
You both need to be prepared. If you don’t have the right tools, you won’t qualify for the job. There has to be that overall, mutual attraction, and it needs to feel just right.
Everything should come naturally so don’t try too hard. If you do, it’s probably not meant to be. Conversation should be flowing easily, you must share common interests, and an absolute feeling that you want to see this dude again. You can’t stop thinking about him, and he can’t stop thinking about you.
There are certain traits that definitely have to be there. Everyone’s taste and outlook on finding the right partner varies but these are the qualities I would look for in a husband, and I’m sure many other gals can agree with many, if not all of them.

1. He has an awesome sense of humor.

In my book, if a man makes a girl laugh uncontrollably, he’s definitely a keeper.
Knowing how to laugh and have fun together is an important part of every relationship. What’s a relationship without having fun and letting loose together? Constant tempers, crankiness and seriousness are major NO’s.

2. He's a dependable kind of a guy.

When he says he’ll be there, he’d better freaking be there. Obviously emergencies come up but communication is essential. Canceling or being late are not very impressive habits to have at all.
A girl will run in the opposite direction if she can’t depend on her man. I need to know I can always count on my guy, just as he’ll be able to count on me.

3. He's honest and truthful.

Embellishing a story for a few laughs is one thing. But if a guy gets caught in a lie, he compromises his character. Compromise his character and he’s yesterday’s guy.
All of my dudes out there: DON’T lie. Do yourself a huge favor and don’t even go there, because it will never end well. You should be honest and truthful to one another, always.

4. He's extremely thoughtful, because he wants to be.

Many girls love to be surprised because it shows the guy cares. Besides, thoughtfulness is super sexy, and girls eat it up. I’m not talking about extravagances, just the little things.
When a guy makes creative plans without being prompted by his girl. Or acknowledges a stressful day she’s having with flowers, her favorite ice cream or a back rub. Cooking her dinner is always a sweet move! Take notes, guys.

5. He's affectionate and shows that he appreciates you.

In a relationship, a girl should be treated like a queen, and a guy should be treated like a king. Never take any day for granted; hugs, unexpected kisses and holding hands aren’t just for when you first meet, they’re forever.

6. He's motivated, and that's sexy AF.

Nobody wants a slacker or a couch potato as a partner. A guy who has ambition to create an awesome future and build a great life together is plain ol’ sexy.

7. He's a family-oriented man.

When a guy is respectful and close to his family, it’s a great indication that he will be a good husband and father. You can tell a lot about a guy by how he treats the women in his life (mom, sisters, aunts, female cousins).

8. He's confident with himself and his choices.

A man without a backbone is attractive to… hmmm, let me see… NOBODY. Know what you want in life, and experience it together.

A

If Your Guy Doesn’t Have These 8 Qualities, Don’t Marry Him

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