When we’re involved in a disagreement/argument/fight, we men usually do one of two things. We either fight with all we have to win, or we walk away. If we fight it out, the way our brains are wired and the way our hormones work we are prone to tunnel vision, seeing just the issue and nothing else. We can easily lose sight of the bigger picture.
Often the issue we’re arguing about isn’t the real issue. We use things as proxies, a way of dealing with being unhappy or upset without having to discuss the real reason for those feelings. A common way men do this is to pick a fight when they are upset at a lack of sex. The real issue is sex, but the fight is about something completely different.
Women do the same thing, for different reasons. A woman may pick a fight to start a conversation. The issue of the fight isn’t what’s bothering her; she’s unhappy because she feels a lack of connection with her husband. (See Confronting to Connect ) Or, she might use a symbolic issue to try to deal with a bigger underlying issue. If she is forever complaining you don’t take out the trash the deeper issue might be she feels unloved because you’re not doing the acts of service that speak love to her.
Your marriage will be better if you can learn to look for the deeper issues below the things you fight about. At first, you will probably only do this after an argument is over, but if you keep practising you should become able to do it during the disagreement. As you see the deeper motivations, both yours and hers, work to discuss those things. Discussing the deeper issues is more difficult and maybe even scary, but the results are well worth the effort.
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