Blended Family Relationships

So, you have met the man or woman of your dreams. You have been on quite a few dates with them and you are both thinking that you are ready to take things to the next level and start spending more quality time together. But, you both have one problem that is constantly nagging at you.

You are both divorced and you both have children from your previous marriages. You wonder how the children are going to react to this sudden change in their life and how they will respond to the other children. It may be a lot smoother than you think.

A lot of what needs to be considered in a blended family situation is the age of the children. Children are very resilient. They are able to handle changes easily. However, as children get older and reach the teenage years, they become much more set in their ways. They no longer accept the changes so willingly. So, the age of your children will be a huge factor in how they respond to your new love interest.

It is a good idea to talk with your children ahead of time. You can sit down and have a family meeting. Let your children know that you are not trying to bring in a new person to replace their parent that is no longer in the home.

Make sure that they know that your love and feelings for them have not changed. Stress to them the fact that this person is not moving in and that you are just spending time with them. However, do not tell your children that the person that you are in a relationship with will never be moving in.

This is setting yourself up for major problems in the long run if you do decide to pursue a long-term, intimate relationship with this person. In that case, you have now lied to your children and there is going to be resentment and anger towards the new person.

Have some family dates with both families. You get all of your kids together and have your partner do the same. Then, take everyone out together. This provides a chance for everyone to get to know each other on neutral territory.

You are not invading either family's home space and they will feel much less threatened. It also gives everyone a chance to get to know each other without the pressures and restrictions being put on them. You are much more likely to have a well blended family in the end if you take things slow and give everyone plenty of time to get to know each other before putting them together for extended periods of time.

If you and your partner want time alone during this adjustment period, take it outside of the homes. Perhaps the kids go to their other parents on weekends. Or maybe, you can both get a babysitter and go out together for the night.

Family and friends are always wonderful options for your children to spend a night. Just make sure that you avoid pushing the issue or forcing your children to accept this new relationship in a hurry. That will only cause problems and animosity. It will lead to a household that is full of discontent and spite.

Compatibility Issues Are Key To A Successful Relationship

Compatibility is important in any successful relationship. This is not to say that you and your partner have to like all the same things and be exactly alike. It is not a matter of having someone that is like a mirror image of yourself to share your time with. In fact, if this were true, there would be issues from the start and the relationship would be doomed to failure.
   
You want to find a person that enjoys some of the same activities that you do. If you both like completely different things, there is nothing for you to share when you spend time together. It makes the time strained for one person or the other. It also creates uneasiness and can create unhappiness in the end. This will result in the end of your relationship. It is perfectly acceptable to like different things and have a successful relationship. However, you cannot be completely opposite. There has to be some common ground so that you have things to do during your time together.

You will want a person that shares some characteristics with you. Of course you want them to have their own personality and be their own person. The differences are important for success. You will get bored if you are both too much alike. You will also have conflict between yourselves when you get comfortable with each other. There is nothing to add to the relationship. You both exist as one. You have to have some difference to discuss and add spice.

It is important that people in relationships have similar ideals relating to life and events in it. If you are religious, you would want to be with someone that shares religious values. If you have a desire to have a family, then you would want to be with a partner that also has a desire for family. In regards to life ideals, this is where compatibility is a must. There is nothing like finding a person and falling in love with them. You feel that you are destined to be together. Then, you decide to move your relationship forward.

You have your idea of how things are going to be. Your partner all of a sudden crushes your hopes and dreams. They tell you that they do not want children or that they are not interested in the same things that you are. This will bring about a quick end to the relationship and can leave you both devastated. You could also have feelings of resentment or betrayal toward the other person. It becomes a bad situation for everyone involved.

The best thing that you can do when dating is to find someone that is compatible with you. Talk to them about what you like. If there is something that you are completely against, make sure that they know that from the beginning. Tell them what you are looking for and what your ideal match would be like. Talk about characteristics and personality traits. All of these things are important and can help you have a successful relationship.


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What First Turned Me On about My Husband

What First Turned Me On about My Husband



I’m going to be seriously honest right now. I’ve had a crazy last week, in which I shifted the family schedule to fall school hours, worked grueling hours to meet a project deadline, and posted nothing here. In September, I have an online course I’m teaching (not about marriage), a local conference I’m chairing, and plans for a terrific giveaway for Hot, Holy, and Humorous (which I will tell you about next time) that requires some additional planning and coordination.

I’m stressed.

On top of that, my husband is stressed, for all of his own reasons. So yesterday, despite our marriage being a happy one overall, we had a bad night. Now believe me when I say that we are so far down the road from where we once were, it’s like we traveled to a different planet. We had an argument, but I’m not the least bit worried about us. We’re in love, committed, and will be fine.
But I’ve been feeling sullen all day, and a little guilty about coming on my blog and saying anything that makes me sound like I know exactly what I’m doing in marriage.

After being absent for too long, though, I wanted to write something.
So I started to think about my husband. Not the negative stuff I was feeling last night or the aftermath hurt stuck in my gut. Rather, I’ve learned enough about marriage to know that was a blip and there are some really great reasons to love the guy I chose.

Memories can be a wonderful thing in this regard. Because I mulled all the way back to the things my husband first did to attract me to him. What flipped that switch to awaken my love for him? What made me eager to hold his hand, to feel his kiss, to say I do and get the other fabulous stuff? Why did I find him so appealing, so engaging, so — I’ll just say it — sexy? 
Practicing optimism about and appreciation for our spouses fuels a better attitude, a hopeful outlook, and a bit of swooning, if we do it right. So I’m going to share my reasons, and I’m hoping you’ll share yours in the comments.

He bought me an ice cube tray.

I bet you never imagined that would be the first thing I’d say. But it’s true! Spock (hubby’s nickname) and I lived in the same apartment complex, and we discussed how the apartments did not provide a sufficient number of ice cube trays. A day or two later, my guy knocked on my door holding two ice cube trays he’d picked up for me at Walmart. And yeah, that little gesture warmed my heart. Because it said: I thought about you when I was nowhere near you. You were on my mind.
To this day, I love finding out that my husband thought about me when he was in other places or with other people. It makes my heart flutter to hear from co-workers that “he talks about you all the time” or to discover he bought my favorite chocolate at the store. The truth is, most married people don’t spend the majority of their day together. And we don’t really know what’s happening in our spouse’s heads, so those little reminders that say, You were on my mind, can keep us feeling connected even when we’re apart.

He listened to me.

I have a history degree, and my primary focus was church history. I recall sitting on his apartment couch when we were first dating and him listening to me talk about the Reformation and Restoration Movements. He leaned in as I spoke, he asked questions that showed he was interested, and he indicated that he was impressed with my knowledge. Want to know what that moment did to my pulse?
Never mind that the subject was John Calvin or Alexander Campbell, the point is he made me feel like he wanted to be with me that moment, and the next moment, and the next. I wasn’t just a pair of lips or a pair of good legs hanging out with him. I could converse with this guy about deep things, and he respected my opinion — he liked me.

These days we often have some of our best lovemaking after a profound discussion on something completely unrelated. We might talk about current events or spiritual issues or personal challenges we each face, and the next thing I know we’re smooching and heading to the bedroom. Guess those thoughtful exchanges are a turn-on.

He touched me, often and easily.

In case you’re familiar with the Five Love Languages theory from Gary Chapman, one of the top two ways I feel loved is physical touch. It’s strange because I’m not touchy-feely with most people. Maybe it’s my introversion that keeps that circle fairly small. However, when Spock and I started dating, he seamlessly found ways to touch me.
He reached for my hand when we walked somewhere or when we rode in the car. He stood shoulder-to-shoulder with me in church and held a single hymnal for both of us. He put his arm around me when we sat on the couch to watch the World Series (1992, every single game). Something about that constant proximity made me feel protected, cherished, desired. And I desired him back.
I still adore holding his hand, although we also get to do things now like cuddling in bed, sharing a shower, and naked body massages. All that physical touch heightens my senses and arouses my libido. It also reminds me that we share something special, from the little goodbye pecks to the big sexual climaxes.

He made me laugh.

My husband’s humor can be dry. Like drought-in-summer dry. One time we were sitting together at a church group event, and he murmured something in response to what the speaker said. I don’t even remember what it was, but it cracked me up. And others around us didn’t get it. I was the one who understood and appreciated his humor.

Turned out, he was also willing to be silly, which I’m all for in life. Life is serious enough that we don’t need to killjoy our way through it, but find reasons to smile. Spock and I engaged in word play, dorky dance moves, and watching comedy films. I laughed at his jokes, and we laughed with each other.

I still think that makes him sexy. And it makes our marriage bed more enjoyable that we can laugh together. Surveys consistently show that women are drawn to a man with a great sense of humor. We enjoy being around someone who makes us smile — is it really surprising that it’s a turn-on too?

Yep, what first turned me on about my husband is what still turns me on about my husband. And after sharing all that, I’m feeling incredibly blessed to have such a terrific, sexy man for my husband.

By Holy & Humorous by J

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What It Looks Like When You’re Happily Married (An Ode to My Wife)

What It Looks Like When You’re Happily Married (An Ode to My Wife)
by Evan Marc Katz

 
Yeah, this is what I’m talking about.

A beautiful piece by Heather Havrilesky in New York magazine about what romance looks like ten years into a marriage. I rarely write long-form pieces, due to the fact that, well, I don’t get paid to write long-form pieces. But that’s why I take great pains to find new, interesting material to share with you each and every Thursday.
But first, I want to admit something that I don’t like to admit publicly. For years, I dealt with criticism when this blog was called “Advice from a Single Dating Expert,” since I was offering advice but wasn’t necessarily living it. “How can you call yourself a dating coach but still be single?” I dismissed the criticism because I was doing the best I could and legitimately was helping people. What I didn’t know was how much I didn’t know. How marriage would not only change my life for the better in miraculous ways, and how it would sharpen my edge as a dating coach. Basically, I am much better at my job today than when I started in 2003 – as would anybody who did the same job for 13 years. But the main reason I’ve grown into this position is my wife. She is my North Star. The “Type O” wife. You can give her to any man and she’d be able to make him happy. That’s how much I believe in her. That’s why I so fervently believe in love. That’s why I’m an advocate of marriage. That’s why I preach easy, happy, relationships with no drama. I have it and I want you to, as well. Which brings me to the highlights from Havrilesky’s moving article.

Traditional romance is heady and exciting precisely because — and not in spite of the fact that — there are still lingering questions at the edges of the frame: “Will I be enough for this person? Will she stop wanting me someday? Is he as amazing as he seems/feels/tastes?” Long-married romance is not the romance of watching someone’s every move like a stalker, and wanting to lick his face but trying to restrain yourself.

We’ve discussed this here for years and I hope you have absorbed it, in full: what you experience in the first 2 years of your relationship bears little resemblance to what you experience as a married couple. Which is why it’s really important to let the excitement and chemistry wear off and see how well you function when you move in together before tying the knot. Real love is based on transparency and comfort, not mystery.

What you experience in the first 2 years of your relationship bears little resemblance to what you experience as a married couple.

What you have instead — and what I would argue is the most deeply romantic thing of all — is this palpable, reassuring sense that it’s okay to be a human being. Because until you feel absolutely sure that you won’t eventually be abandoned, it’s maybe not 100 percent clear that any other human mortal can tolerate another human mortal.
Most people have never reached that 100% mark but it’s real and it’s spectacular. Six months after I got married, everything clicked and I knew that our love was to be unconditional. How can I say that? Isn’t it possible that  my wife will cheat on me or vice versa? I don’t know how to say this in any other way, but no. It’s not. And that’s what feels so good when I get out of the office every day to join my family for dinner.
You are both mortal and you’re both surviving, together, and you’re in this to the very end. You are both screwed, everything will be exactly this unexciting until one of you dies, and it’s the absolute greatest anyway.
Find me a happily married couple who would trade places with a happily single person. The fact that you can’t is a reminder of the redemptive power of partnership. It’s different than loving your best friend, your sister or your dog. It’s about having someone to slog through the tough times and celebrate the good ones – together. There’s nothing like it in the world.
So don’t let anyone tell you that marriage is comfortable and comforting but not romantic. Don’t let anyone tell you that living and dying together is some sad dance of codependent resignation. Our dumb culture tricks us into believing that romance is the suspense of not knowing whether someone loves you or not yet, the suspense of wanting to have sex but not being able to yet, the suspense of wanting all problems and puzzles to be solved by one person, without knowing if they have any time or affinity for your particular puzzles yet. We think romance is a mystery in which you add up clues that you will be loved. Romance must be carefully staged and art-directed, so everyone looks better than they usually do and seems sexier and better than they actually are, so the suspense can remain intact.
Strong relationships operate with metronomic consistency. I will wake up every morning next to my wife. I will fall asleep every night with my wife. I will go to church with her family for Christmas. She will fly to the East Coast to visit my family every year. We have theater tickets on Wednesdays at the Geffen and Fridays at the Taper. We reconnect over date night when one of us has been preoccupied with a personal project. Our excitement is a planned spontaneity – not the tingly confusion of early-phase dating based on whether I will be kind or act with integrity – but rather how we’re going to celebrate each others’ birthdays, or where we’re going to travel this year. We have no mystery. Just love.

It’s about having someone to slog through the tough times and celebrate the good ones – together. There’s nothing like it in the world.

How long can this glorious thing last? your eyes sometimes seem to ask each other. You, for one, really hope this lasts a whole hell of a lot longer. You savor the repetitive, deliciously mundane rhythms of survival, and you want to keep surviving. You want to muddle through the messiness of life together as long as you possibly can. That is the summit. Savor it. That is the very definition of romance.
With my wife, I am bulletproof. Without her, I don’t even know who I am anymore. That is the beauty of co-dependence. It’s not weak. It’s not needy. It’s not sad or pathetic. It’s about being part of something bigger than you – and being all in on it, forever.
I only hope that, if you don’t have a happy marriage now, you keep dating long enough to experience this feeling yourself. You may not know you have it for a good three years, but when you get there, I’m telling you, there’s no turning back.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.




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