Communication in a relationship

 Communication in a relationship

Communication in a relationship Communication Communication is a vital part of our lives: a typical day involves many interactions between ourselves, our work colleagues and clients, our children, our friends, our ex's, future relationships, etc. This interaction takes place where we live, work, relax, socialize and wherever we perform routine tasks. Communication skills are critical for building healthy relationships, especially when one realizes that one of the most common causes of relational breakdown is a lack of communication. Just as communication can be the most important part of a relationship; arguments can be the most destructive aspect - the closer we are to someone, the more easily we can bruise or be bruised. There is very little truth in the saying: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me." It's not what we say, but rather how we say it, that most often hurts another person. Do you identify with any of these statements? "He never listens to me when I talk!" "She talks and talks, but never actually says anything!" "It's like talking to a brick wall" "I can't get through to you" "We can't talk about anything important without getting into a fight" "She's too emotional - she's either crying or shouting or complaining. It's easier to avoid her" "He always gets defensive when I try to talk about issues" Communication is a complex process; of which speaking only makes up for 10-20%. The other 80-90% is made up by facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc. (See our body language section) Communication is the art/ science of transferring a thought/ idea/ information from the mind of one complex human being to the mind of one or more complex human being(s). For communication to be effective, it must be a two-way process. Dynamics of Interpersonal Communication 1. Facts: are both people communicating about the same set of facts? Try to separate the facts from thoughts or feelings. 2. Interpretations, Thoughts or Perceptions: Each person interprets a fact differently based on their belief system, personality, values and experience. 3. Feelings: how we are feeling, our current mood and frame of mind, etc can sub-consciously affect decisions and thoughts. 4. Intentions, Needs or Wants: hidden agendas; are we looking for comfort, clarification, information or simply a chance to interact? We judge ourselves on our intentions. 5. Actions: choice of words (is the intent to create harm?) + tone of voice + non-verbal speech = body language, posture, eye contact, facial expressions, etc. "The medium is the message" => the way the message is delivered is the message itself. 6. Self: The communication centre, which includes the issue, topic or conflict at hand, has been "filtered" by the facts, interpretations, thoughts, feelings, intentions, and choices of behaviour / actions. Listening and Feedback Did I say what I meant to say? - Invite feedback to clarify communication. Someone who's not listening lets their mind drift and is already preparing the next argument or opposing thought; inaccurate feedback or limited eye contact. Listening is an active, not a passive process. When two people argue, they only hear "what they want to hear", not what's actually said. This equates to the accusation of "not listening". Most couples start arguing and within 5 minutes are arguing about the way they are arguing. Don't argue when you're angry - you will not be able to listen objectively. Give yourself time to cool down and then broach the subject when you are in a more reasonable frame of mind. It's important to give feedback - checking and confirming. Did I understand you correctly? Is this what you mean? I heard you say this: am I right? Feedback can be verbal / non-verbal e.g. a nod, smile, silence or a cold shoulder. No feedback is in itself a form of feedback. If the words and actions contradict each other, it is better to believe the actions! Conflict Resolution Conflict resolution can either be Constructive or Destructive. Destructive Style - hinders or inhibits the conflict resolution process:     Confrontational (win or lose, blaming)     Sabotage (focus on weak points, shaming)     Manipulation (blackmail, withdrawal)     Giving in (passive, submissive)     Avoidance (denial, withdrawal) Constructive Style – trying to minimize the issues and avoiding the difficulties in resolving the problems:     Compromise (meet halfway, understanding)     Accommodate (open discussion, communication without confrontation)     Partnership (solutions, forgiveness, honesty) When trying to resolve conflicts, try to clarify your goals, as you will probably share many of the same goals despite of your differences. Avoid bargaining, as this may lead to each party taking a rigid position which in turn can flare tempers. When resolving conflicts, remember that their causes may run deep. Sweeping issues under the carpet isn’t going to work in the long term, as old baggage will be brought up each time an argument starts. Try to fully resolve each issue as it comes along. You may find the following method useful: 1. Ask the other person for their feelings. Your conflict probably isn’t about the issue that caused it to start in the first place. Don’t forget that your goal is sorting out the problem, not winning an argument! 2. Ask the other person to define the problem. Stick to solving one problem at a time, that way you can understand each problem as the other person sees it. 3. Express your own feelings. Be careful to word them carefully, for example use phrases such as “I feel…” rather than “I think you…” 4. Define the problem as you see it. As your feelings come out, the solution may become clearer. Remember that by you listening to the other person; you will have set the tone for them to listen to you. 5. Create multiple solutions. Don’t go back to your original agenda. Aim to find alternative or creative solutions that reduce emotions and tension. 6. Rate the possible solutions. Remember that no one can force an unacceptable solution on the other. 7. Combine and create a mutually acceptable solution. Create something acceptable to both parties, if this doesn’t work – go back to step 1 and ensure both parties are being totally honest. 8. Be sure both parties agree to work towards resolving the issue. Troubleshooting For Problems in Communication Control or Power Issues: Effective communication cannot take place if one person has "control" over the other or where there is not mutual respect and equality of relationship. To stay in control leads to relational isolation as the underdog reacts in anger at being manipulated or belittled. Triangulation: Do not bring in a third party to avoid direct confrontation. If you have a problem with someone, go directly to that person. Don't dump your accusations on mutual friends or your children in the hope of winning support to balance the scales in your favour - it leads to more substantial and long-lasting damage, especially when a child is used as a weapon between parents. 19 Steps to Effective Communication 1. See communication as an opportunity to praise, build-up, affirm, heal, support and give positive reinforcement, rather than to correct, criticise, tear down, hurt, wound, lash out at. Praise opens doors to further communication, while criticism shuts them down. 2. Remember that actions speak louder than words; non-verbal communication usually is more powerful than verbal communication. Avoid double messages in which the verbal and the non-verbal messages convey something contradictory. (Credibility gap) 3. Define what is important and stress it; define what is unimportant and de-emphasise or ignore it. Avoid fault-finding. 4. Communicate in ways that show respect for the other person’s worth as a human being. “Avoid statements which begin with the words “You never …” or “I think you …”. 5. Be clear and specific in your communication. Avoid vagueness. 6. Be realistic and reasonable in your statements. Avoid exaggeration and sentences which begin with “You always …” 7. Test all your assumptions verbally by asking if they are accurate. Avoid acting until this is done. 8. Recognize that each event can be seen from different points of view. Avoid assuming that other people see things like you do. (Perception) 9. Recognize that your family members and close friends are experts on you and your behaviour. Avoid the tendency to deny their observations about you – especially if you are not sure. 10. Recognize that disagreement can be a meaningful form of communication. Avoid destructive arguments. 11. Be honest and open about your feelings and viewpoints. Bring up all significant problems even if you are afraid that doing so will disturb another person. Speak the truth in love. Avoid sullen silences. 12. Do not put down and/or manipulate the other person with tactics such as ridicule, interrupting, name-calling, changing the subject, blaming, bugging, sarcasm, criticism, pouting, guilt-inducing, etc. Avoid the one-upmanship game. 13. Be more concerned about how your communication affects others than about what you intended. Avoid getting bitter if you are misunderstood. 14. Accept all feelings and try to understand why others feel and act as they do. Avoid the tendency to say, “you shouldn’t feel like that.” 15. Be tactful considerate and courteous. Avoid taking advantage of the other person’s feelings. 16. Ask questions and listen carefully. Avoid preaching or lecturing. 17. Do not use excuses. Avoid falling for the excuses of others. 18. Speak kindly politely and softly. Avoid nagging yelling or whining. 19. Recognize the value of humour and seriousness. Avoid destructive teasing. Summary As you look ahead to new relationships, you need to be able to break old and faulty communication patterns to allow for healthier interaction. The use of praise and positive reinforcement will reconstruct wounded and broken self-images and will build self-esteem, particularly in children. By becoming an effective communicator, you will also grow and become a better person which will positively enhance all your relationships.

      Back to Online Dating Tips.

     Read more about Senior dating.

5 Easy Body Language Tricks To Spark Attraction On A First Date

Body language is an essential ingredient of attraction. In fact, some studies have shown that 55 percent of our communication is done through body language alone.
When it comes to dating, sending out the wrong body language signals can scare off a potential mate, especially on a first date.
On the other hand, great body language can give you a boost in confidence and help you create instant attraction and deep rapport with your future lover.
Here’s some of the easiest and most effective body language tips and tricks to help you instantly spark attraction on your next date:

1. Mirroring

People are social, tribal beings. We relax when we feel we are among those who are like us. Mirroring a person’s body language is a way we instinctually and naturally build a rapport with others, and it is often done unconsciously.
By mirroring — essentially reflecting — your date’s postures, gestures, sitting positions, tone of voice and/or talking pace, you can help to quickly build a rapport, trust and connection. By mirroring, your date may feel more at ease, comfortable and understood, as long as you don’t make it too obvious.

2. Create Space On A High Note

This one may seem counter-intuitive, but it works like a charm.  The fact is, when we feel attracted to someone, we consciously or unconsciously try to move closer to them because their presence feels good to us.
Here’s the trick: When you’ve hit a “high note” in the interaction, for example you’re both laughing at a joke, take a slight step backward or lean back in your seat to create more space between you and your date.
Your date will unconsciously sense the space you just created and will  (consciously or unconsciously) want to move closer to you. This will create a bit of a chase dynamic, and increase their attraction to you.

3. Don’t Cross Your Arms

Arms crossed in front of the chest is a universal signal that the person is not comfortable with the given situation. It’s an unconscious attempt to block out what we perceive as a threat, and protect our vital organs from being injured. Keep your eyes open, and you’ll see it everywhere. You’ll see it in elevators, cafeteria lines or anywhere where people feel uncertain or insecure.
To your date, crossed arms can communicate nervousness, negativity and defensiveness. To them, it will feel like a shield. Instead, rest your arms at your sides or, if seated, rest your hands in your lap or on the table. This will make you seem much more open and friendly.

4. Show Your Hands

We love seeing people’s hands. Studies have shown that when we aren’t able to see another person’s hands, we have more trouble trusting them. We’re naturally on edge. This is a relic of our dangerous, ancient past.
Whenever primitive tribes met, they would hold their arms out with their palms exposed to show that no weapons were being held or concealed. This is where the custom of shaking hands comes from.
By showing your hands, especially showing open palms, you are subconsciously communicating to your date that you are open, and that they can be open with you. This will increase your attractiveness, and help to make them feel more comfortable around you.

5. Don’t Hunch Your Shoulders

Nerves and stress create tension in our bodies that often show up in our shoulders and neck area. Hunched shoulders during a date can communicate nervousness and discomfort, which may cause your date to start feeling the same way.
By keeping your shoulders relaxed, you will appear more cool and confident, making you more attractive. Before your date, do some shoulder rolls or massage your shoulder muscles to help relive any tension
The common thread when it comes to body language is not merely to project confidence, but also to relax and project relaxation and comfort. So the next time you’re on a date, remember these helpful tips so you and your date can get to know each other in an open, comfortable way.


Post from: 5 Easy Body Language Tricks To Spark Attraction On A First Date

More on Senior singles dating.

3 Things To Remember If You’re Wondering How Much To Reveal On A First Date

by Lynzie Goehring

We all have our own baggage — skeletons, if you will — and navigating these imperfections in the tricky waters of dating is tough. Take me, for example. I have emotional scars from the abortion I wish I wouldn’t have had (but sometimes am very glad I did have) a few years ago. I have anxiety now and again, and am prescribed medicine to take when I need to just chill out.
My family life is not perfect. I’m 27, and although I have a full-time career that I love, I struggle with money and keeping myself afloat. So, do I spill these closet skeletal beans to him on the first date? Do I lay it all out on the table? Or do I feed it to him slowly, bite by bite, letting him in on another “not so pretty” fact about my life during each new Netflix and chill session?
Or do I avoid it altogether? Do I wait until we have gotten passed the awkward “getting to know each other” phase to confide in him my innermost demons?
Well, my lovelies, I can tell you from experience there is no right answer to this. But there are some guidelines I believe can help answer this question:

1. Honesty is the best policy.

We’ve all heard this one before. This doesn’t mean you have to say, “Hi, my name is Lynzie, and I had an abortion,” the second you meet someone.
What it means is, if these deeper topics come up in conversation, whether it’s the first date, or two months into the relationship, be honest. You never know what this thing you have will turn into. And if it does turn into something, you will regret not telling the truth when he asked you the first time. Trust me.

2. We all have baggage.

Believe it or not, your date has baggage, too. And maybe it’s just as heavy as yours. I asked several men about this while writing this article, and their responses were all the same: They have baggage.
They have issues they’re afraid of putting on the table, just like us. So rather than being hard on yourself and assuming you have more baggage than him, think of yourself as equals. We all have our own problems. And who knows, he might even have more skeletons in his closet than you do.

3. Don’t judge.

Would you want him to judge you for your past? Would you want him to judge you on current issues you’re going through? No, you wouldn’t. 
So when he finally opens up to you, whether its after you’ve told him your innermost secrets, or out of the clear blue sky, be understanding and compassionate. Because in reality, we are all just trying to make it through this life and deal with our own problems in the best way we know how.
Being judged, or judging someone else, just complicates things and hurts your partner, and eventually yourself. When you’re transparent with others, nine times out of 10 they’re transparent right back with you. This I have learned from experience, and it has been proven to me time and time again. So, listen, be patient and be kind. Because one day, you will be telling him (or someone new) your own problems, and you’ll want to feel acceptance, understanding and compassion.
There is a quote I heard recently that says, “If we all put our problems into a big pile, once we saw everyone else’s, we would take ours back.” I believe this is true. We all have skeletons in our closets. You have them, and so do I. He has them, and so does she. It’s the way we handle these issues — the way we move forward with our dignity in tact and our hearts not jaded, the way we respond to others when they share their darkest secrets with us — that really define how we handle our skeletons.
In a world full of people who are quick to judge, and are dishonest about their own past in the spirit of “being more attractive,” be the person who is compassionate, honest and caring, despite what you have been through. Let your skeletons make you more beautiful and compassionate, rather than cold and judgmental. Because in reality, is it not what we have in our closet that dresses us each day?

Article from:
3 Things To Remember If You’re Wondering How Much To Reveal On A First Date
 

 Click here to meet senior singles.

 

 

 

 

Avoid The Perils Of Online Dating For Seniors

Finally, online dating for seniors has given us a real way of meeting potential life partners. Forget joining the local aged veterans club, or the cookery course for the over 55 or Yoga for the mature age group.  Now you can join a website and within minutes have access to a group of individuals who are looking for partners and actually know who Bob Hope and John Wayne were.

Ok so that last comment was meant as a joke. But seriously mention online dating clubs to most people, of a certain age, and they automatically think you are trying to hook up with a twenty five year old. 

Online dating for seniors opens up a world of opportunity that generations before us couldn't dream of. Not only can you find someone who has the qualities you admire most but the fact that they are a member means that they are also looking for someone special.   


So how do you find your Mr or Mrs Right?  Well there is no "fail safe way" but it helps if you give the process a chance. Despite what the movies may say, less than a quarter of happily married women "knew" that the man they were dating was the "one" on the first couple of dates.  Love is like a delicate flower - it needs time and attention to mature to its full promise. So the moral of the story is that you should give a new friendship time to mature. Unless of course, you are obviously incompatible. 

Using an online service allows you to build up friendships via email or instant messenger before you have to talk to the person.  Often, probably due to the anonymity, we get closer quicker to people we have only met on email than we would if we meet them in person. 

When preparing for your first date, think about the first impression the other person is going to get. If it has been a while since you were out socially, you may be stuck in a time warp. I'm not suggesting you need to become a fashion victim but get a good friend to vet the outfit you choose; to double check the image you are projecting. Mutton dressed as lamb is never attractive for either sex!

Make sure that you stick to the following rules when using any dating service. Until you have complete trust in the other person i.e. have met in person and preferably more than once,

1) Communicate via the agencies internal secure email system. Do not give out your home or cell number, or your full name and address.

2) Always meet in a public place

3) Always, always have your own transport home. Get a friend, family member or have a taxi booked for a specific time to collect you.

Abide by these simple rules and you will have no problems avoiding the perils of online dating for seniors. Who knows, it could turn into an enjoyable way to spend an evening or two. Or it may turn into a lifetime commitment for both of you.

Technology Trouble: 10 Twenty-First Century Ways to Wreck a Relationship

Technology Trouble: 10 Twenty-First Century Ways to Wreck a Relationship by Eileen Livers 

1. Answer your cell phone during a date
2. Proceed to chat on said phone through appetizer, entree and dessert
3. Hang up on his answering machine ten times each day
4. Or leave "breezy" messages on his machine that are anything but
5. Ask for his IM name on your first date
6. Proceed to IM him every day, several times a day
7. Write an email to your friends all about him and cc him (accidentally)
8. Ask him why he hasn't responded to your calls, IMs, and emails
9. Send him a suggestive IM while he's having a meeting with important clients in his office
10. Break up with him by sending your friends

Read more here.

Age Differences In Dating

Age Differences In Dating

Some people are attracted to members of the opposite sex that have a significant age difference from them. They may prefer dating someone that is younger or older. This is often a matter of personal preference and there are many reasons that people choose these relationships. It is dependent on the individual person and their life.

In most cases, women are attracted to older men. This may be due to the fact that women mature at a younger age than men. In order for women to date a guy that is as mature as they are, they have to resort to older men. For some women, younger men that are less mature are not an issue.

They enjoy having a relationship with them and it all works out fine for both people. However, for some women having a mate that is less mature is almost like having a child. They do not want to have to mother their partner. They want the compatibility and the even keel. Again, this is all a matter of personal preference.

Men also have attractions and relationships with females that are a different age than them. Again, the reasons are just as diversified. They may seek an older or younger woman depending on their preference. They may also look for someone that is around the same age.

Some men that are less mature like to find a woman that is closer to their maturity level. In this situation, they would most often date a woman that is younger than them. This would help them to feel that they are fulfilling their role as the man of the relationship.

It is hard to present yourself as a strong man and as being capable of caring for your mate in a relationship, if you are not mature enough to fulfill this role. However, there are also some men that seek older women to have a relationship with. They want the mothering type of relationship and they want to be able to act a little less mature and be taken care of themselves.

For some people age has no influence on them at all. They date people based on their attraction or traits that they are looking for. They are compatible with a person and want to spend time with them. There are times that they will not even know how old the person that they are talking with is for awhile. They are not worried about age. There is no factoring of age to consider.

These people are sometimes the happiest and in some cases have the best relationships. This is due to the fact that they are not into trivial things and they are really looking for personality and internal traits. They are not worried about looks, age, or other trivial factors.

Every person is different. You may have to date people of different ages to determine what is best for you. If you are new to the dating scene, it is especially important to determine what works best for you. This is important to determine before you try to get involved in a serious relationship. If not, you are setting yourself up for failure and misery.