One of the biggest myths in dating – and
one I can’t stand – is the idea that men and women can’t be just
friends. In its own way, it’s perversely fascinating because it’s very
much a Straight People Problem. The idea that sex will inevitably come
between two people doesn’t seem to be an issue when it’s two gay men or
two gay women… and then of course, the idea that bi and pansexual people
can’t be friends with
anyone. But put a straight man and woman
together and the general assumption is that somehow sex will inevitably
rear its head and make platonic intimacy impossible.
“Oh come on, how is that NOT a one-way ticket to Boner Town?”
As tempting as it is to just make jokes and quote
When Harry Met Sally, the idea that men and women can’t be just friends is actually shockingly toxic to men. Men already have a hard enough time
fostering emotionally intimate friendships with other men; when we
also
accept that platonic intimacy with women can’t exist, we isolate
ourselves even further. As a result: we find ourselves even lonelier
than before, even when we’re surrounded by friends and familes.
As part of an ongoing series on helping men be more emotionally
intelligent, we’re going to pick apart some of the barriers to
cross-gender platonic intimacy and talk about how to learn to be able to
be just friends with women… and how this can make us better, healthier
men.
Believing the Worst About Ourselves (And Acting Accordingly)
The problems with men and women trying to be just friends is actually
surprisingly complicated… for men. Women have much less of an issue of
compartmentalizing attraction from intimacy. In fact, a
study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, suggested
that while women were capable of keeping things platonic, men tended to
have a harder time with the idea. But far from being a case of biology
being destiny, this is a confluence of issues for men ranging from ideas
surrounding male sexuality, to gender relations and emotional
intelligence.
And one of the biggest issues when it comes to the idea that men and women can’t be just friends is that
it’s predicated on men believing the worst about themselves.
One of the oldest and hoariest tropes surrounding male sexuality is
that all men are inherently horny beasts and are powerless before our
penises. Because our sex drives are so all-encompassing, we are unable
to compartmentalize sex from every other aspect of our lives. In fact,
our lives are focused
around getting our penises into as many
holes as possible over the course of our lifetime. This, of course,
means that no matter what our conscious minds might wish to believe,
ultimately our cocks have the final say in just about everything in our
lives.
“Sorry I was trying to listen to your plan for my financial future but… booooooobs….”
This is part and parcel of some of the bizarre contradictions
surrounding toxic masculine ideals – that being a man means being at the
mercy of our id. We can’t relate to women as individuals or as anything
other than potential fuck-holes because we’re too immature to be able
to control ourselves. By default, any interaction with someone of the
opposite sex
1
that we’re not related to is prelude to our trying to sleep with them.
Of course, not only does this mean that not only can we not trust women,
but we can’t trust
men either. After all, if men are powerless
before their penises and can ultimately only interact with women as a
prelude to sex, it means that the men in your life are all waiting to
betray you. By definition, every man you spend time with is simply
waiting for the opportunity to bang your girlfriend or wife and will do
so as soon as your back is turned. In fact, the JSPR study validates
this: men were as likely to desire to date their “taken” female friends
as their single ones.
Now to be sure, there are people who will talk about things like “bro
code” keeping their friends from crossing those lines, and perhaps they
even believe it to an extent. But at its core, believing that men and
women
only interact on a sexual level only serves to isolate
men further; sex keeps men from being genuine with women and by
extension, in competition with all other men. Who, then, can guys turn
to for their emotional health? They’ve cut themselves off from all forms
of social support, unable to trust
anybody beyond the most surface level.
And while we’re talking about an inability to trust…
Friends Under False Pretenses
This idea that sex gets in the way of all cross-gender friendships leads to, among other things, women being unable trust
men. One of the issues
brought up in the JSPR study and related follow-up
is the number of men who treat a cross-gender friendship as an
opportunity for sex or a romantic relationship. For many men, being
“friends” with a woman
is simply the pretext to hang around in order to get into their pants.
“It’s taken me ten years to get here. Just a little while longer…”
This behavior serves to further isolate men, not just from
friendships but potentially from romantic or sexual relationships as
well. Because so many women have been betrayed like this, they’re
naturally more guarded and less trusting of guys, even ones who have
legitimate intentions. While not every guy does this
2 , the fact that almost
every woman has
a story of someone who was pretending to be her friend in order to get
laid means that they’re left having to assume ulterior motives.
However, the idea that sex and friendship are mutually incompatible is
also part of what leads to men thinking of friendship as a consolation prize for sex – devaluing both sex
and
friendship at the same time. It treats the offer of a legitimate
emotional connection as a sort of “fuck you, you’re not good enough for
me,” rather than someone
3 trying to show that yes, they
do
value having you in their lives. This belief is, in no small part, part
of how men are taught to believe that The Friend Zone is something
that’s done
to them – a cruel trick, or a way to keep men
dancing in attendance to satisfy a woman’s emotional needs until a
“real” man comes along.
Hell, for some, the idea that women would offer friendship
is inherently insulting.
This is the trap in treating male/female friendship as “just friends” – the implication is that being a friend is inherently
lesser in terms of intimacy or importance in another’s life if sex is not involved.
Except sexual attraction and friendship aren’t and don’t need to be mutually exclusive…
The False Dichotomy of Sex and Friendship
The generally accepted meme – as codified by
When Harry Met Sally is that men can’t be friends with women they’re attracted to because sex inevitably gets in the way.
The part that goes unmentioned is
how sex and sexual
attraction get in the way. After all, if you’re dating somebody, you
presumably have an emotional connection as well; it’s difficult to keep
up a relationship with someone you can’t stand. Sex, somehow, doesn’t
get in the way of friendship in
that context. Is it because
women don’t trust someone who’s attracted to them? Or perhaps because a
man who’s attracted to a woman can’t act honestly around her as he tries
to get her into bed? Then the problem isn’t sex, it’s the lying. Is it
because the man will automatically attempt to court and bed her and this
will drive them apart? Then the problem isn’t sex, it’s the
behavior, making it
a boundary issue. Is it because
sex would “ruin” the friendship?
Then the problem isn’t sex, it’s the two individuals involved and how
they relate to sex. Is it because a man doesn’t or won’t respect someone
who lets him sleep with her? Then the problem is
that he’s an asshole.
(Notice how the issue is the man’s behavior? That’s in no small part because we as a culture seem to accept that it’s the
man’s view of the relationship that decides whether it’s platonic or romantic…)
At its core, the idea that sex and friendship are mutually exclusive
seems to come down to two issues. The first is that the two can’t exist
simultaneously; the fact that you’re sexually attracted to someone means
that what you feel isn’t friendship. The second is that attraction must
be fulfilled, that an erection is a call to action.
In the former, part of the problem seems to revolve around our concepts of love and desire.
We tend to only believe in two kinds of love: the sexless love for family and the love we reserve for our partners. Because
we may not be interested in dating our friends, it means that by
default, that love must be sexless. If sexual desire is involved then it
can’t be friendship. At the same time however, we’re perfectly capable
of being sexually attracted to people we don’t like; hell, sometimes
we’re attracted to people we actively
loathe. If sex can exist independently of wanting to date or marry someone (or even liking them) then it can’t contradict friendship.
In the latter, the problem is the idea that attraction is something
that must be pursued and that the pursuit somehow conflicts with being
friends. The problem here is the assumption that attraction is
automatically the
only impulse we can’t control. We all have impulses and ideas that we don’t act on,
all the damn time.
After all, if we responded to every stray emotion or thought we had,
I-35 would look like something out of George Miller’s wet dream.
“Meanwhile,
commuters are advised to avoid the 35/290 interchange due to heavy War
Boy activity as drivers are looking to die historic on the Fury Road.”
Part of being a grown-ass adult is learning how to handle our
feelings. The fact that we’re attracted to somebody doesn’t necessarily
require that we’re going to pursue it. For that matter it doesn’t even
need to be
brought up. It’s entirely possible to be just
friends with someone without telling them that oh, by the way, you want
to see them naked. It’s possible to let attraction just
be, rather than making it somebody else’s issue. In fact, that refusal to
not pursue it and treat every woman as a potential sex partner gets in the way of men’s emotional health.
The Emotional Benefits To Being Just Friends
While it’s difficult to talk about the benefits to being friends with
someone without making friendship sound mercenary, pursuing a platonic
friendship with women has benefits overall. Developing, accepting and
maintaining a platonic friendship with women helps men learn to grow,
socially and emotionally.
For example: one of the interesting findings of the JSPR study
was that men tended to regularly overestimate their female friends’
interest in
them.
“Oh yeah. She wants me. Just gagging for it.”
To a certain extent, it’s understandable that some men might confuse
platonic affection for attraction. Women, in general, tend to be more
emotionally and physically demonstrative with their friends, being more
willing to open up, share secrets and generally show appreciation for
their friends. Men, on the other hand, are socialized to be more closed
off and keep things inside. When
any demonstration of affection
or intimacy is rare or unusual, it’s not surprising that guys may
confuse something as simple as a friendly hug as a neon sign reading
“She wants the D”. Being just friends can, among other things, help
men learn to differentiate between
signs of friendliness vs.
signs of sexual interest and
attraction.
By being exposed to more forms of intimacy and affection – beyond the
assumption that all cross-gender interactions are inherently sexual –
it’s possible to learn to be both more demonstrative and able to
accept that affection.
Having more female friends can help you improve your
social calibration. Understanding women, listening to them –
really listening to them, instead of trying to explain their own lived experiences to them
– can help you learn how to relate better to others. By paying
attention and listening to what women have to say, you’ll start to
learn. Even learning to recognize how the way you say something can come
across as patronizing or insulting when you don’t mean it to can help
improve your ability to read social situations and respond.
But outside of practical issues, being friends with women is
healthier for men, emotionally. As I mentioned earlier: men have issues
with social isolation and emotional intimacy. Because of fears of being
perceived as gay or unmanly, we tend to hold back from opening up to our
male friends. As a result: we tend to make our partners our
sole source of emotional support. That is a tremendous burden for any one person. Having female friends who are
just friends gives you a broader base of support – and gives
them more support when
they need it as well.
Just to be clear: I’m not saying that platonic female friends are there to teach you how to emotion better. It’s on
you to learn how to do this yourself, especially by following examples, not to expect others to do the work
for
you. And yes, you should also seek out more emotionally intimate
relationships with men too – I’ll cover this in a future article.
How To Be Just Friends With Someone You’re Attracted To
So with all of this in mind: how
do you navigate the issue of attraction to someone you’re just friends with?
For starters: relax about it. Attraction to a friend is
understandable, even common. After all, you wouldn’t be friends with
them if you weren’t compatible and if you didn’t think they were
awesome, would you? The key is to not let the feeling throw you or make
you panic. The fact that you’re attracted to somebody is inherently
neutral. It doesn’t say anything about your friendship to them. It
doesn’t mean you need to
do anything about it. It just
is.
It may seem like the best thing you can do is force it away; this is
actually a mistake. Trying to stuff an emotion or feeling down the
memory hole just makes it even more present in your mind. Ever try to
not think of something? For example: try to
not picture Estelle Getty dressed as a fox at a bondage club.
And now that you’ve done that, please take this adorable kitten as a mental palate cleanser.
Instead of trying to force it away, just
let it be. Don’t dwell on it but don’t
avoid it. Acknowledge it to yourself and
move on. You
will have enough stuff going on in your life that other things will
occupy your mind as long as you aren’t making your attraction a big
deal.
The other thing you should do is
behave normally. Your crush is
your
business, not your friend’s. Bringing your feelings front and center as
part of your friendship is forcing your friend to deal with something
that’s not their responsibility.
As Captain Awkward puts it: part of being just friends with someone you’re attracted to means setting some
self-boundaries.
Flirting with them (if you don’t already have a flirty friendship),
denigrating her relationships with people who aren’t you, making
joking-but-not-really comments about the two of you as a couple, or
doing things like the too-long-and-now-it’s-awkward full-body hug are
all ways of
making your issue theirs.
Should you mention it? Well, that depends on a couple of issues. If
they’re dating someone else or otherwise have a monogamous commitment,
then
no, you should not. It’s not fair to put them in the position to have to turn you down and risk hurting your feelings. Have they been giving
you
signals that they might want to be more than friends? Are you capable
of not taking rejection personally and letting the matter drop if she
turns you down without it curdling your friendship?
Then it might be possible to carefully broach the topic. If you don’t want to take the risk… then no. Keep it to yourself and allow things to progress on their own.
Women make amazing, valuable friends, when people don’t let issues of
sex or romance complicate things needlessly. Handling an inconvenient
attraction to a friend, or being just friends with someone you’re
attracted to are part of developing your emotional intelligence. Not
obsessing about your feelings not only lets you continue to enjoy your
friendship, but it also leaves you open for when you meet someone who
is right for you, romantically.
- again: gay and bi men and women don’t seem to have this issue… heteronormativity, y’all!
- #notallmen indeed
- presuming that they’re being genuine and not giving the reflexive, socially conditioned “soften the blow” response
The post
How to Handle Being “Just Friends” appeared first on
Paging Dr. NerdLove.
Click here to
meet Just senior singles here.
