Five first date Forget-me-Nots

Five first date Forget-me-Nots 

By Diane Farr

You might know her as the lovely (and brave) cohost of MTV's Loveline or from her current role on The Job, but this actress also has some hilarious secrets on friendship that she shares in her new book The Girl Code. Check out these five must-read dating rules before you go out on your next date -- or send them to your favorite single friend! She'll thank you for it!

The Ugly Underwear Rule
If you really want to hook up on a first date, wear your ugliest underwear. Inevitably, you’ll hook up.

The Unshaven Legs Rule
If you apply this and the ugly underwear rule at the same time, you’ll probably marry the guy.

R.K.
When the date is over and you think you like him but you’re still not exactly sure, a little recreational kissing probably won’t hurt him or you. And…it may help answer that question of whether you’re interested.

I.R.K.
Irresponsible Recretional Kissing is when you make out with him because you foolishly think you have to or when you already know you’re not interested and just aren’t mature enough to say so.

Pick Up After Yourself
If a girlfriend was kind enough to loan you an outfit for this important evening out, make sure you dry-clean it immediately. Don’t keep it, thinking you have some nostalgic right to adopt it. Return it – cleaned – by next weekend, or you could karmicly damage the date you just had. (Not really, but return her damn clothes anyway.)

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Communication in a relationship

 Communication in a relationship

Communication in a relationship Communication Communication is a vital part of our lives: a typical day involves many interactions between ourselves, our work colleagues and clients, our children, our friends, our ex's, future relationships, etc. This interaction takes place where we live, work, relax, socialize and wherever we perform routine tasks. Communication skills are critical for building healthy relationships, especially when one realizes that one of the most common causes of relational breakdown is a lack of communication. Just as communication can be the most important part of a relationship; arguments can be the most destructive aspect - the closer we are to someone, the more easily we can bruise or be bruised. There is very little truth in the saying: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me." It's not what we say, but rather how we say it, that most often hurts another person. Do you identify with any of these statements? "He never listens to me when I talk!" "She talks and talks, but never actually says anything!" "It's like talking to a brick wall" "I can't get through to you" "We can't talk about anything important without getting into a fight" "She's too emotional - she's either crying or shouting or complaining. It's easier to avoid her" "He always gets defensive when I try to talk about issues" Communication is a complex process; of which speaking only makes up for 10-20%. The other 80-90% is made up by facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc. (See our body language section) Communication is the art/ science of transferring a thought/ idea/ information from the mind of one complex human being to the mind of one or more complex human being(s). For communication to be effective, it must be a two-way process. Dynamics of Interpersonal Communication 1. Facts: are both people communicating about the same set of facts? Try to separate the facts from thoughts or feelings. 2. Interpretations, Thoughts or Perceptions: Each person interprets a fact differently based on their belief system, personality, values and experience. 3. Feelings: how we are feeling, our current mood and frame of mind, etc can sub-consciously affect decisions and thoughts. 4. Intentions, Needs or Wants: hidden agendas; are we looking for comfort, clarification, information or simply a chance to interact? We judge ourselves on our intentions. 5. Actions: choice of words (is the intent to create harm?) + tone of voice + non-verbal speech = body language, posture, eye contact, facial expressions, etc. "The medium is the message" => the way the message is delivered is the message itself. 6. Self: The communication centre, which includes the issue, topic or conflict at hand, has been "filtered" by the facts, interpretations, thoughts, feelings, intentions, and choices of behaviour / actions. Listening and Feedback Did I say what I meant to say? - Invite feedback to clarify communication. Someone who's not listening lets their mind drift and is already preparing the next argument or opposing thought; inaccurate feedback or limited eye contact. Listening is an active, not a passive process. When two people argue, they only hear "what they want to hear", not what's actually said. This equates to the accusation of "not listening". Most couples start arguing and within 5 minutes are arguing about the way they are arguing. Don't argue when you're angry - you will not be able to listen objectively. Give yourself time to cool down and then broach the subject when you are in a more reasonable frame of mind. It's important to give feedback - checking and confirming. Did I understand you correctly? Is this what you mean? I heard you say this: am I right? Feedback can be verbal / non-verbal e.g. a nod, smile, silence or a cold shoulder. No feedback is in itself a form of feedback. If the words and actions contradict each other, it is better to believe the actions! Conflict Resolution Conflict resolution can either be Constructive or Destructive. Destructive Style - hinders or inhibits the conflict resolution process:     Confrontational (win or lose, blaming)     Sabotage (focus on weak points, shaming)     Manipulation (blackmail, withdrawal)     Giving in (passive, submissive)     Avoidance (denial, withdrawal) Constructive Style – trying to minimize the issues and avoiding the difficulties in resolving the problems:     Compromise (meet halfway, understanding)     Accommodate (open discussion, communication without confrontation)     Partnership (solutions, forgiveness, honesty) When trying to resolve conflicts, try to clarify your goals, as you will probably share many of the same goals despite of your differences. Avoid bargaining, as this may lead to each party taking a rigid position which in turn can flare tempers. When resolving conflicts, remember that their causes may run deep. Sweeping issues under the carpet isn’t going to work in the long term, as old baggage will be brought up each time an argument starts. Try to fully resolve each issue as it comes along. You may find the following method useful: 1. Ask the other person for their feelings. Your conflict probably isn’t about the issue that caused it to start in the first place. Don’t forget that your goal is sorting out the problem, not winning an argument! 2. Ask the other person to define the problem. Stick to solving one problem at a time, that way you can understand each problem as the other person sees it. 3. Express your own feelings. Be careful to word them carefully, for example use phrases such as “I feel…” rather than “I think you…” 4. Define the problem as you see it. As your feelings come out, the solution may become clearer. Remember that by you listening to the other person; you will have set the tone for them to listen to you. 5. Create multiple solutions. Don’t go back to your original agenda. Aim to find alternative or creative solutions that reduce emotions and tension. 6. Rate the possible solutions. Remember that no one can force an unacceptable solution on the other. 7. Combine and create a mutually acceptable solution. Create something acceptable to both parties, if this doesn’t work – go back to step 1 and ensure both parties are being totally honest. 8. Be sure both parties agree to work towards resolving the issue. Troubleshooting For Problems in Communication Control or Power Issues: Effective communication cannot take place if one person has "control" over the other or where there is not mutual respect and equality of relationship. To stay in control leads to relational isolation as the underdog reacts in anger at being manipulated or belittled. Triangulation: Do not bring in a third party to avoid direct confrontation. If you have a problem with someone, go directly to that person. Don't dump your accusations on mutual friends or your children in the hope of winning support to balance the scales in your favour - it leads to more substantial and long-lasting damage, especially when a child is used as a weapon between parents. 19 Steps to Effective Communication 1. See communication as an opportunity to praise, build-up, affirm, heal, support and give positive reinforcement, rather than to correct, criticise, tear down, hurt, wound, lash out at. Praise opens doors to further communication, while criticism shuts them down. 2. Remember that actions speak louder than words; non-verbal communication usually is more powerful than verbal communication. Avoid double messages in which the verbal and the non-verbal messages convey something contradictory. (Credibility gap) 3. Define what is important and stress it; define what is unimportant and de-emphasise or ignore it. Avoid fault-finding. 4. Communicate in ways that show respect for the other person’s worth as a human being. “Avoid statements which begin with the words “You never …” or “I think you …”. 5. Be clear and specific in your communication. Avoid vagueness. 6. Be realistic and reasonable in your statements. Avoid exaggeration and sentences which begin with “You always …” 7. Test all your assumptions verbally by asking if they are accurate. Avoid acting until this is done. 8. Recognize that each event can be seen from different points of view. Avoid assuming that other people see things like you do. (Perception) 9. Recognize that your family members and close friends are experts on you and your behaviour. Avoid the tendency to deny their observations about you – especially if you are not sure. 10. Recognize that disagreement can be a meaningful form of communication. Avoid destructive arguments. 11. Be honest and open about your feelings and viewpoints. Bring up all significant problems even if you are afraid that doing so will disturb another person. Speak the truth in love. Avoid sullen silences. 12. Do not put down and/or manipulate the other person with tactics such as ridicule, interrupting, name-calling, changing the subject, blaming, bugging, sarcasm, criticism, pouting, guilt-inducing, etc. Avoid the one-upmanship game. 13. Be more concerned about how your communication affects others than about what you intended. Avoid getting bitter if you are misunderstood. 14. Accept all feelings and try to understand why others feel and act as they do. Avoid the tendency to say, “you shouldn’t feel like that.” 15. Be tactful considerate and courteous. Avoid taking advantage of the other person’s feelings. 16. Ask questions and listen carefully. Avoid preaching or lecturing. 17. Do not use excuses. Avoid falling for the excuses of others. 18. Speak kindly politely and softly. Avoid nagging yelling or whining. 19. Recognize the value of humour and seriousness. Avoid destructive teasing. Summary As you look ahead to new relationships, you need to be able to break old and faulty communication patterns to allow for healthier interaction. The use of praise and positive reinforcement will reconstruct wounded and broken self-images and will build self-esteem, particularly in children. By becoming an effective communicator, you will also grow and become a better person which will positively enhance all your relationships.

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If Your Boyfriend Does These 8 Things, He’s In Love With You

Falling in love is a beautiful thing. But it can also cause you bit of stress. You want to let yourself fall, but there’s one question holding you back: Does your partner love you?
One day, you may learn to love selflessly. You may learn to love without needing that love to be reciprocated. After all, you don’t love because you’re loved; you love because you believe that someone else deserves to be loved. And being deserving of love doesn’t necessarily mean giving it in return.
But it’s easy to be afraid of loving someone who doesn’t love you back. You’re afraid of getting hurt. And that’s no surprise, especially if it’s the first time you’ve loved. As far as loving a woman goes, it’s pretty easy to tell when she loves you back. I’m not sure if women are better at loving or just worse at keeping it hidden.
Men, on the other hand, are taught to hide their emotions. They’re told that emotion is a sign of weakness. And because of this, they have a difficult time accepting emotions for what they are. Even when men do accept how they feel, they keep it to themselves. I’m sure women find this infuriating.
But just because he’s never told you that he loves you doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. When it comes to men, actions really do speak louder than words. If your boyfriend does these 8 things, you can rest assured that he loves you:

1. He sends you a message almost every morning.

When the first thought he has in the morning is you, that’s when you know that he’s in love.
Love is a form of obsession — it can be very healthy and incredibly rewarding. When you’ve infiltrated his psyche to the point that he wakes up thinking of you, that’s when you know you’ve got him. Of course, not all guys are open about the way they feel — some are even doing their best to resist the urge to contact you and wish you a good morning.
But when you’re in love, you have only so much self-control. Even the strongest-willed man will break a few times a week and show you that you’re his weakness.

2. He checks up on you randomly just to see how you're doing.

People — both men and women — are egocentric beings. Women do have a tendency to be more giving and caring, but generally speaking, we’re our own favorite people.
Until, that is, we fall in love.
Once you fall in love, you begin to care just as much about this other person as you do yourself. Men can be especially funny when it comes to checking up their girlfriends … some will try and play it off as if they don’t care as much as they really do (we can be silly like that), but if he’s hitting you up multiple times a week, for seemingly no reason at all, that’s when you know he’s hooked.

3. He doesn't mind going out of his way to make your life easier.

You know how a woman will often complain about her husband being lazy and not wanting to help out? Well, she’s only complaining because, once upon a time, that same man went out of his way to make her life easier. He used to inconvenience himself just to help her out. He would pick her up from out of his way when she needed a ride. He went to the store and picked up whatever she needed without her having to beg or argue with him. He didn’t mind being worse off as long as she was better off.
If that’s your boyfriend, then chances are he loves you. How do you keep him from turning into a lazy husband, you ask? Well, let’s leave that for another article.

4. He lights up when he sees you.

Love is happiness. Love is joy. Love is a mind filled with great memories and thoughts of a wonderful future together. You can’t possibly have all that on your mind and not smile.
If he grins from ear to ear — if his eyes light up at the sight of you — he’s in love with you. If he loves you, you’ll receive just about all of his attention.

5. He asks you about your day, and then he actually listens.

I remember being in love and caring so much about my ex’s day that I even wanted to know what she ate (to make sure she was staying healthy). That’s love.
When your man cares about you so much that he wants to know what’s going on in your life — in the finest of details — wants to know what you did, what you saw, how you succeeded and failed, the adventures that you went on, he loves you. He wants to know about your day because he wants to be a part of it in some way or another — even though he wasn’t there by your side to actually experience it.

6. He asks you for your opinion.

And this isn’t just so that you feel like you’re giving your two cents. He wants to know your thoughts on the matter because he values your opinion. He values the way that you see the world and wants to make sure that his life aligns with yours as much as possible.
When a man loves you, he wants your input on his life because — maybe without even knowing it — he is trying to merge his with yours. And what better way than to start seeing the world through your eyes?

7. He gives you the better pillow.

He gives you the side of the bed you like to sleep on, even though it’s the same side he likes to sleep on. He gives you the bigger half of the sandwich, the last bite of cake, the movie theater seat closer to the center. He gives you the better half because he believes that you are his better half.
As kids, just about all of us were taught to share. But this isn’t just sharing; this is giving. To him, giving you more is just the same as if he were taking more himself. It’s better, even, because it makes him even happier.

8. He protects you. Or, at the very least, he tries.

He walks on the outside of the sidewalk, because if a car were to swerve, he would get hit instead of you. He feeds you. He checks up on you. He is always there when you’re feeling down or under the weather.
When a man cares for you better than he cares for himself, he loves you. He may not be a fighter, but seeing you in danger flips a switch. He turns from a teddy bear to a grizzly in zero seconds flat.

The article If Your Boyfriend Does These 8 Things, He’s In Love With You

first appeared on Dating – Elite Daily

Body Language

Body Language

Up to 93% of communication is non verbal and much of this is body language. Knowing how to read body language can mean that you don’t pick up the wrong signals, or miss the silent messages that someone really likes you!

Luckily body language can be very easy to learn, which is a good thing, as it is possibly one of the most important languages that you can learn. You will probably recognise many of the following examples from your own behaviour, or from those close to you. Once you know how to read these signs from people around you, you’ll get a good idea of the workings of their minds and thought processes.

Let’s say you are out on a date and want to take things further. Before you do so, you need to know if the other person is interested. Look out for these tell tale signs and you will never be left guessing again! 

Male body language:

If a man is showing an interest he will appear to be standing taller, by puffing up his chest and pulling in his tummy. You may see him correcting his appearance, straightening his tie (if he is wearing one) and generally preening himself. A sure sign that he is interested is hooking his thumbs in his belt. This subconsciously highlights his genital region and says that he is virile!

Watch out for body positioning. If he turns his body towards you it shows that he is interested, particularly if either of his feet are pointing towards you.

If he is standing with his hands on his hips, he is appearing to make himself bigger and ready to take things further.

The eyes are a great giveaway and are often referred to as the ‘window to the soul’. When someone is holding their gaze, even for a fraction of a second longer than is necessary, especially when combined with dilated pupils, it is a sure sign that you are in luck! A man’s intimate gaze is generally quite obvious. If his eye movements follow a triangle shaped pattern (that is eye to eye, down to the mouth, the rest of the body, and then back up to the eyes again) is another giveaway that he likes you. 

Female body language:

Women generally display similar preening and grooming characteristics to men, but there are other signals to look out for which show that they are expressing in interest in the person they’re talking to.

One such sign is the ‘head toss’, this can be done by women with both long and short hair and is used to capture someone’s attention by revealing their neck. Exposed wrists can also be a sign of interest, as can showing the palms of her hands while talking to you. An open palm is often seen as a sign of openness and sincerity.

As with male body language, if her foot or knee is pointing towards you (especially if her legs are crossed) this gives a clear sign of interest. Crossed legs are also seen as being a relaxed informal position. If she lets the shoe from her top leg slip off her foot and then starts playing with it – this is often seen as a sign of interest.

Don’t forget to look out for the eyes, as women are excellent at using the intimate gaze – that is holding your gaze for a moment longer than normal, and following the triangle formation. (Eye to eye, down to the mouth, followed by the rest of the body and then back up to the eyes again). This movement is known as ‘eyeing someone up’.

Another good sign of attraction is if she is coiling her hair around her finger and tilting her head whilst talking to you. And don’t forget to look out for that warm natural smile! 

Making the first move

Once you are getting the message that your partner may be interested, and you want some further feedback, it is time to use a technique called ‘excuse touching’. This is non threatening, non sexual behaviour that basically gives you an excuse to touch your partner and shows that you interested, and is a great way to give your partner the opportunity to respond. Excuse touching can be anything from touching their arm whilst talking, to letting your hands touch. If your partner feels the same way, they will often find similar excuses to touch you, or prolonging your touch.

If your partner is not responding to your advances, be aware that this probably means that they are not interested in taking things further. Likewise, if you are interested in the person that is excuse touching you, make sure that you respond – otherwise they may think you are not interested and will back off. You don’t want to miss out on a good opportunity! 

Look at these expressions of body language. How many do you recognise…? 

Body Language	Meaning
Brisk, erect walk	Confidence
Standing with hands on hips	Readiness, aggression
Sitting, legs apart	Open, relaxed
Arms crossed on chest	Defensiveness
Walking with hands in pockets, shoulders hunched	Dejection
Hand to cheek	Evaluation, thinking
Touching, slightly rubbing nose	Rejection, doubt, lying
Rubbing the eye	Doubt, disbelief
Hands clasped behind back	Anger, frustration, apprehension
Locked ankles	Apprehension
Head resting in hand, eyes downcast	Boredom
Rubbing hands	Anticipation
Sitting with hands clasped behind head, legs crossed	Confidence, superiority
Open palm	Sincerity, openness, innocence
Pinching bridge of nose, eyes closed	Negative evaluation
Tapping or drumming fingers	Impatience
Steepling fingers	Authoritative
Patting/fondling hair	Lack of self-confidence; insecurity
Tilted head	Interest
Stroking chin	Trying to make a decision
Looking down, face turned away	Disbelief
Biting nails	Insecurity, nervousness
Pulling or tugging at ear	Indecision

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Is it OK to ask for an expensive gift?

Is it OK to ask for an expensive gift?

My boyfriend of four months asked me whether I wanted to let him pick out my Christmas gift or whether I wanted to pick it out myself. I told him I trusted his taste and that he should get me whatever he wants. But the truth is, I'm really hoping that he'll get me jewellery. I think it's what boyfriends should get their girlfriends for Christmas. But I'm not sure if he thinks the same way. But how could I tell him that I want jewels? It's not the cheapest kind of gift. How can I drop subtle hints without seeming crass?
Laura
You've already blown your opportunity. If you really don't trust his taste, you shouldn't have told him you did. Now you want to manipulate him, right? It's fair to point out things you like in store windows and magazines and ask whether he thinks they're pretty too. Since this is a relatively new relationship, it's not really appropriate to expect costly jewels. You might want to reflect on what your expectations of this fellow are and whether they're realistic.
Why don't you give the guy a break and wait and see what happens? You might be pleasantly surprised. Remember that the only meaningful gifts we have to give are our time and attention. If they translate into jewels, great. But don't discard the attributes that give the relationship real value.

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So You Met A Girl? 9 Ways To Turn Your Texts Into A Date

The great thing about texting is that you can think it through and hide your emotions. Unlike in a conversation, when you don’t have much time to prepare an answer and the tone of your voice might betray your lack of confidence, texting gives you a great advantage. I see it as a fantastic tool to set up meetings and dates quickly.
In this article, I’m going to go over the best ways to get her to reply to your texts and make sure she shows up at that meeting.

1. Text her the same night of your approach.

The three-day rule is gone; get with the program. Waiting three days is more detrimental than beneficial because your first impression has already faded, and the girl probably settled on other plans with some other guy who approached her the same night you did.
I believe it’s great to text her right when or immediately after she gives you her number (while you’re still talking or just after you leave). This way, she’ll have your phone number, and you won’t have to do much explaining when you text her the next time.
Besides, you’ll make a better impression by texting her something cute right away. You can prepare some generic texts or, even better, you can make up one that is directly connected to the conversation you had.
Also, by texting her on the approach night, it will enable you to establish a connection in texting. This means she can also text you the following day and/or she’ll be more open to replying to your texts.

2. Be personal.

When sending the first text, always refer to something that has already been discussed. Something you already know about her, something you both talked about and connected over.
For instance, if she mentioned she has a pet, you can say “Say hello to Rover for me!” If you found a point of interest, cling to it: “Glad to know there’s somebody left in the world I can play chess with.”
Also, by mentioning her name (WHICH YOU SHOULD), you personalize the message and make it friendlier.

3. Text with a purpose.

If you got a solid phone number (namely if you talked for a while the previous night, and she seemed interested in getting to know you better), you could aim for a text date the following day.
Aim your texting at building trust if she looked suspicious about your approach.
If she somehow seemed to lack interest, your text should try to be funny and flirty.

4. Override the conversation.

In texts, you can be bolder than in direct conversation. So, make use of this advantage to show off self-confidence and to intrigue her.
When aiming for a date, don’t ask her if she’s available, but rather text “You and me…pasta tonight. Italian restaurant. George Street. At 8 pm.” If she doesn’t answer back in the next couple of hours just send a “?”
If she still fails to reply, text her (again after a couple of hours) saying something like:
“No problem if you can’t make it. My neighbor never gets tired of pasta.”
If she likes you even a little, she’ll start wondering whether your neighbor is a “she” or a “he.” She might just text you back to find out.
Besides, often times, just assuming the fact that her lack of replies is a rejection will make her text back. There’s something about women that makes them want to have “the last word” in everything, so she’ll text you back in some way.

5. Be decisive, and never give her the chance to change her mind.

Whether she already agreed to a date and you just want to double-check if it’s still on or you assume she’ll come (by the solid approach you had), yet she failed to give you a positive clear reply — you can text her to get that confirmation.
“I had an extra busy day. Did I say eight or nine tonight? Nine works better for me. Is that OK?”

6. Timing means a lot.

First, you need to text her pretty soon after your encounter — the same night, the following day — and you also need to have a date scheduled in the same week. Delaying texting or prolonging it will, in most cases, lead to boredom and rejection. Every beginning has its excitement; make sure you exploit it.
Secondly, don’t text her when you know or suppose she’s busy. Your text will not only bother her, but she’s also less likely to reply. If you don’t know her schedule, consider texting in the evening.
Another great idea is to ASK her, when getting the number, when a convenient time would be for a text. I often do this, then stick to that moment she agreed upon and send the first text. She basically has to reply because she told you she will in the first place.
Third (and also very important), don’t text her incessantly. Wait for a while to reply to her texts, and consider a couple of hours break between your own messages. Even when she seems excited about your texting, let her “boil” a little before sending another one. This will make her even more willing to hear from you and to meet you.
And, especially when she takes a lot of time in replying, do the same. I sometimes even go so far as waiting two days to text back. But I don’t care as much about one particular girl so this may not be as great for you.

7. Be short and give her something to look for.

A 100-word text is inevitably dull and hard to grasp. Stick to the point, and make it exciting.
If she said she likes pasta, the Italian place is great. If she mentioned a type of music she likes, ask her out in a venue that plays it.
Also, it is great if you manage to keep some mystery about you. Girls are extremely curious, so a great text option is to only hint at the place you’re taking out. When your approach was solid and you already built a level of trust you can write:
“I’ve got a nice surprise for you tonight. Meet me in front of X at 8 pm…Can’t tell you the place we’re going, but be sure to bring your dance shoes/a great appetite.”

8. How to push for an answer.

When the girl gives you no reply in about five hours, the worst thing you can do is to send her something in the lines of: “Why aren’t you answering??? I can see you read my messages,” “WTF is going on? Is it so hard for you to send a text back?”
A much more effective text is something like:
“I see that you’re busy. No worries, text me when you’ve got the time.”
In this way, you’ll show you are polite, far from needy and altogether a manly man. What’s more, she’ll believe you gave up on her. And even if she doesn’t like you that much (for now), she’ll most likely text you back just to see if she can turn you around, unknowing that you’re actually doing it on her.

9. Check your spelling.

It may seem obvious but, spelling is paramount in getting her to answer back. If you send her a text like”Gr8 2 meet U” or “Greed to meat you” (a little exaggerated, but you get the point) — the only message you’re going to convey is that you’re unlettered.
Stop attributing your grammatical errors to your phone’s thesaurus, and double check your texts to avoid making a fool of yourself. Besides, although you might think that symbols, abbreviations and smiley faces are cool, believe me, they are not when they’re overused. Don’t make your text an indecipherable pun; stay simple and neat.
There you have it, a quick and easy guide that you can follow in order to get her to reply to your texts.


Original Post from by Kyle C.  So You Met A Girl? 9 Ways To Turn Your Texts Into A Date

Establishing Online Dating Relationships: Safety First

Online dating can be fun. But don't neglect safety and common sense when you try to hook up with a mate. At minimum, take caution in the following areas.

Protect Your Computer

Take care of your equipment and systems before you head out into the Internet realm. You need to have a firewall and anti-virus protection for your email and for when you search websites and interact online. At the bare minimum, you may want these two solutions that are offered at no charge to home computer users (i.e. not for commercial use):

Free Firewall Download: ZoneAlarm www.zonelabs.com
Free Anti-Virus Download: AVG Anti-Virus www.grisoft.com

Protect Yourself

Take care of yourself, too, by choosing appropriate dating sites. Seek and choose a reputable online dating service.  How? Begin by asking around with friends, neighbors, co-workers and others you may know who have tried online dating, and see which places they recommend. In addition, search 搊nline dating services?and keep a notebook of their URLs or website links, the fees, rules and regulations, complete contact information of each and any other useful information that spikes your interest. Then compare each place.  Try only those places where you feel safe. Avoid the others.

So take care. Arm your computer ?and yourself- with the correct tools and knowledge!

5 Easy Body Language Tricks To Spark Attraction On A First Date

Body language is an essential ingredient of attraction. In fact, some studies have shown that 55 percent of our communication is done through body language alone.
When it comes to dating, sending out the wrong body language signals can scare off a potential mate, especially on a first date.
On the other hand, great body language can give you a boost in confidence and help you create instant attraction and deep rapport with your future lover.
Here’s some of the easiest and most effective body language tips and tricks to help you instantly spark attraction on your next date:

1. Mirroring

People are social, tribal beings. We relax when we feel we are among those who are like us. Mirroring a person’s body language is a way we instinctually and naturally build a rapport with others, and it is often done unconsciously.
By mirroring — essentially reflecting — your date’s postures, gestures, sitting positions, tone of voice and/or talking pace, you can help to quickly build a rapport, trust and connection. By mirroring, your date may feel more at ease, comfortable and understood, as long as you don’t make it too obvious.

2. Create Space On A High Note

This one may seem counter-intuitive, but it works like a charm.  The fact is, when we feel attracted to someone, we consciously or unconsciously try to move closer to them because their presence feels good to us.
Here’s the trick: When you’ve hit a “high note” in the interaction, for example you’re both laughing at a joke, take a slight step backward or lean back in your seat to create more space between you and your date.
Your date will unconsciously sense the space you just created and will  (consciously or unconsciously) want to move closer to you. This will create a bit of a chase dynamic, and increase their attraction to you.

3. Don’t Cross Your Arms

Arms crossed in front of the chest is a universal signal that the person is not comfortable with the given situation. It’s an unconscious attempt to block out what we perceive as a threat, and protect our vital organs from being injured. Keep your eyes open, and you’ll see it everywhere. You’ll see it in elevators, cafeteria lines or anywhere where people feel uncertain or insecure.
To your date, crossed arms can communicate nervousness, negativity and defensiveness. To them, it will feel like a shield. Instead, rest your arms at your sides or, if seated, rest your hands in your lap or on the table. This will make you seem much more open and friendly.

4. Show Your Hands

We love seeing people’s hands. Studies have shown that when we aren’t able to see another person’s hands, we have more trouble trusting them. We’re naturally on edge. This is a relic of our dangerous, ancient past.
Whenever primitive tribes met, they would hold their arms out with their palms exposed to show that no weapons were being held or concealed. This is where the custom of shaking hands comes from.
By showing your hands, especially showing open palms, you are subconsciously communicating to your date that you are open, and that they can be open with you. This will increase your attractiveness, and help to make them feel more comfortable around you.

5. Don’t Hunch Your Shoulders

Nerves and stress create tension in our bodies that often show up in our shoulders and neck area. Hunched shoulders during a date can communicate nervousness and discomfort, which may cause your date to start feeling the same way.
By keeping your shoulders relaxed, you will appear more cool and confident, making you more attractive. Before your date, do some shoulder rolls or massage your shoulder muscles to help relive any tension
The common thread when it comes to body language is not merely to project confidence, but also to relax and project relaxation and comfort. So the next time you’re on a date, remember these helpful tips so you and your date can get to know each other in an open, comfortable way.


Post from: 5 Easy Body Language Tricks To Spark Attraction On A First Date

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Predicting The Future Of Your Relationship

by Stephen Hussey


I was intrigued to read this recent New York Times article on the “13 Questions To Ask Before Getting Married”.

The idea of the piece is that we should be willing to have more of the difficult discussions with our partner long before we ever decide to marry them. Too many people leave these problems to arise after they’ve already made a lifelong commitment.
In the words of Robert Scuka, (as quoted in the article), “If you don’t deal with an issue before marriage, you deal with it while you’re married”.

The questions themselves cover everything from “Would you change our kids’ diapers?” to “How would we celebrate religious holidays?”, and “What’s the most you’d be willing to spend on a car?”
Kids, religion, money – basically, all the big stuff then.
One would hope these discussions come up naturally in the course of a relationship, but it seems a lot of us find it awkward to approach such topics, presumably for fear that they may reveal fundamental differences that we have to work through with our partner. It can be scary to discover that the one we love wants different things: Maybe they’re more dependent than we are and can’t stand time apart, or they’re less interested in sex, or they have no interest in travelling around the world with us in 10 years time.

But ignorance of these differences is not bliss. It’s a massive bout of pain waiting to happen later down the line. 

Finding Your “Marriage Deal breakers”

Reading the article, I found myself most surprised by the fact that I had a few deal breakers I didn’t really think about.
Whilst I’m flexible on certain matters (e.g. how much my partner and I share our money, whether or not I like my spouse’s parents), I felt much more rigid on others. For example, Question 7 – “Can You Deal With My Doing Things Without You?”, made me recognize just how much I crave a level of independence within any relationship, and Question 6 – “What’s The Most You’d Be Willing To Spend On A Car, A Couch, Shoes?” made me realize that I probably wouldn’t work well at all with a materialistic woman, given my general lack of interest in Ferraris and high-end home furniture (though if you’re offering…)
Then there were the other obvious topics, like Sex and Family. e.g. “Question 9 – How Important Is Sex To You?” (crucial for future compatibility), or “Question 2 – Will We Have Children?” (probably pretty important to be on the same page here).
The point of the article isn’t to dictate what your personal standards should be. Rather, it’s saying: you must communicate them.
For instance, Question 10 – “How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.?” is one for which I imagine every couple has it’s own set of rules (or lack of them). No-one is right either way, it’s whatever works for both people. But the lesson is to make sure you know what works for your partner before it’s too late.
So here are my discussion questions:
• What would you add/subtract to the list? (I was personally surprised the question “Where do you see us living together?” didn’t come up, which I would class as pretty important.)
• What are your top 3 dealbreakers from the list in the article?
• When is the best time to have these “big” conversations about the future?
Let me know in the comments below!


The post Predicting The Future Of Your Relationship appeared first on Get The Guy.


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Dating Tips For Women Of All Ages

I can’t tell you how many women have asked me the same question: “Why do I only seem to EVER meet guys that are completely the wrong age for me?”
Or to put it more simply (as one client asked me): “Where are all the great, single, 40-year old men hiding??”
Like it or not, we all know that age is a factor in dating. But so many people waste years moaning about where they are in life (I’m too old, I’m too young…) instead of doing something about it.

Often it’s not about age at all. We use that as our crutch, when really, if we’re truly honest with ourselves, maybe we just aren’t being pro-active enough right now and investing in the CRUCIAL STRATEGIES that would bring us closer to finding love.
So in this video, I’m sharing some down-to-earth, PRACTICAL tips for finding a guy no matter what age you are.

Get your copy of the 59 Secret Scripts to use with men…

The post Dating Tips For Women Of All Ages appeared first on Get The Guy.


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This Quiz Will Tell You If The Person You’re Dating Is The One

This Quiz Will Tell You If The Person You're Dating Is The One

 

Most people know what it's like to date the wrong person. It could be because your ex was a straight assh*le or maybe the person you thought was “the one” ended up hooking up with your best friend’s cousin’s landlord.
It’s never right to be in the wrong relationship.
But how do you know? Dating isn’t always easy, but this quiz might just clue you in.


Read more for  This Quiz Will Tell You If The Person You’re Dating Is The One here.


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3 Things To Remember If You’re Wondering How Much To Reveal On A First Date

by Lynzie Goehring

We all have our own baggage — skeletons, if you will — and navigating these imperfections in the tricky waters of dating is tough. Take me, for example. I have emotional scars from the abortion I wish I wouldn’t have had (but sometimes am very glad I did have) a few years ago. I have anxiety now and again, and am prescribed medicine to take when I need to just chill out.
My family life is not perfect. I’m 27, and although I have a full-time career that I love, I struggle with money and keeping myself afloat. So, do I spill these closet skeletal beans to him on the first date? Do I lay it all out on the table? Or do I feed it to him slowly, bite by bite, letting him in on another “not so pretty” fact about my life during each new Netflix and chill session?
Or do I avoid it altogether? Do I wait until we have gotten passed the awkward “getting to know each other” phase to confide in him my innermost demons?
Well, my lovelies, I can tell you from experience there is no right answer to this. But there are some guidelines I believe can help answer this question:

1. Honesty is the best policy.

We’ve all heard this one before. This doesn’t mean you have to say, “Hi, my name is Lynzie, and I had an abortion,” the second you meet someone.
What it means is, if these deeper topics come up in conversation, whether it’s the first date, or two months into the relationship, be honest. You never know what this thing you have will turn into. And if it does turn into something, you will regret not telling the truth when he asked you the first time. Trust me.

2. We all have baggage.

Believe it or not, your date has baggage, too. And maybe it’s just as heavy as yours. I asked several men about this while writing this article, and their responses were all the same: They have baggage.
They have issues they’re afraid of putting on the table, just like us. So rather than being hard on yourself and assuming you have more baggage than him, think of yourself as equals. We all have our own problems. And who knows, he might even have more skeletons in his closet than you do.

3. Don’t judge.

Would you want him to judge you for your past? Would you want him to judge you on current issues you’re going through? No, you wouldn’t. 
So when he finally opens up to you, whether its after you’ve told him your innermost secrets, or out of the clear blue sky, be understanding and compassionate. Because in reality, we are all just trying to make it through this life and deal with our own problems in the best way we know how.
Being judged, or judging someone else, just complicates things and hurts your partner, and eventually yourself. When you’re transparent with others, nine times out of 10 they’re transparent right back with you. This I have learned from experience, and it has been proven to me time and time again. So, listen, be patient and be kind. Because one day, you will be telling him (or someone new) your own problems, and you’ll want to feel acceptance, understanding and compassion.
There is a quote I heard recently that says, “If we all put our problems into a big pile, once we saw everyone else’s, we would take ours back.” I believe this is true. We all have skeletons in our closets. You have them, and so do I. He has them, and so does she. It’s the way we handle these issues — the way we move forward with our dignity in tact and our hearts not jaded, the way we respond to others when they share their darkest secrets with us — that really define how we handle our skeletons.
In a world full of people who are quick to judge, and are dishonest about their own past in the spirit of “being more attractive,” be the person who is compassionate, honest and caring, despite what you have been through. Let your skeletons make you more beautiful and compassionate, rather than cold and judgmental. Because in reality, is it not what we have in our closet that dresses us each day?

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3 Things To Remember If You’re Wondering How Much To Reveal On A First Date
 

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5 Ways To Run A Background Check On Your Tinder Date Without Being Creepy AF

by Katie Mathe

Internet dating is here, and it’s not going anywhere. People do everything else online, so it makes sense to start new relationships there, too. In fact, there are a lot of benefits to online dating. It’s a bit easier to sift through the rejects and find the diamond.
But just like old-school dating, Internet dating is scary. It’s all compounded by the fact that it’s hard to believe most of what you see on someone’s profile. Basically, unless you’ve known him or her for years, you have no idea what you’re getting into.
Thus, running a short background check on your date is not only not creepy, but it also keeps you safe. Background checks are a good thing for personal safety. They also prevent you from having a two-year online relationship with your best friend’s baby daddy, all while you’re under the impression that he’s a semi-famous recording artist. You know, like on MTV’s “Catfish.”
Here’s how to perform a background check on your date without becoming a grade-A stalker yourself:

1. Verify your date’s identity.

Lying about yourself (or about other people) online is really easy. It’s not even about the kind of music you like, or whether or not you’re actually vegan. If your primary interaction is through Tinder, it’s pretty easy to set up a fake email, change your name and create a whole new identify for yourself in about five minutes.
A background check helps you know that the person you’re talking to is who he or she says he or she is. It will also bring up any huge red flags, such as a sex offender registration or an undisclosed marriage.
Sure, it is romantic to fall in love on a whim. But, it’s more romantic to know you’re not about to become part of the worst Tinder horror stories of all time.

2. Match your date’s social media.

Social media is a secondary background check, primarily because it is still the Internet, and people are still lying. But if you’ve done a background check already, or you’re just not ready to go there yet, don’t be afraid to Google him or her.
Look through his or her Facebook, Instagram or Twitter feeds. Better yet, check out the search hit with his or her LinkedIn profile. Just don’t click on the link, or the mission will be compromised. LinkedIn reports profile views.
Use the basic information you’ve found to verify that the person you’re talking to is real and has friends. But don’t rely on it too heavily. Not everyone is smart enough to create corresponding fake accounts to match his or her fake Tinder account, but the really crazy people are.

3. Have a back-up plan.

Don’t get comfortable before you meet your date. Even if you’ve done a few checks and he or she has come back clean, don’t put yourself in a vulnerable situation that has no way out. Set up a back-up plan to deal with a date that’s gone wrong. Tell someone you trust where you’re going, and have him or her check in on you. Ask him or her call you mid-way through the date, so you have an excuse to text back a progress report.
More importantly, don’t ask someone who is at work or lives an hour away. Make sure this person is ready and waiting, in case you need to send out an SOS.
A great way to keep your friends in the loop is to send over your GPS location. There are a few tricks that you can use to share your exact, real-time location with a trusted circle of contacts.
It’s not totally essential if you’re heading to Chipotle. But in the event that you choose to go somewhere more intimate, these details can help your friends rescue you.

4. Own up to your sleuthing.

Protecting yourself from Internet creepers or real-life criminals is not creepy. However, pretending that you didn’t do it is.
If someone asks you if you looked him or her up before your date, own up to it proudly. It shows you have enough common sense and self-respect to protect yourself from a potentially dangerous situation.

5. Don’t violate your date’s privacy.

You have to do what you have to do to protect yourself, but don’t violate your date’s privacy to do so. A background check is cool, and looking people up on the Internet is a standard practice. But don’t get weird about it.
Don’t get ahold of his or her phone number. Don’t call him or her, pretending to be someone else. Don’t casually stalk his or her known hangouts to watch him or her interact with people. Don’t befriend his or her friends to learn more about him or her.
Security is important, but everyone is entitled to some self-respect. Plus, if your initial checks indicate that the person has a wife or kids, you don’t want to go out with him or her anyway. There’s just no excuse for going that far.
Whether you’re on Tinder for a one-night thing, a long-term thing or something in between, you should remain vigilant. It’s the right thing to do for you, and it helps keep the whole online community stay safe.


 Article by Katie Mathe
5 Ways To Run A Background Check On Your Tinder Date Without Being Creepy AF
 

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Why Waiting Until You’re Older To Settle Down Could Set You Up For Failure

On a recent Friday night, I found myself on a date with a guy I have known for about a year. As I sat across from him, relaxed and chatting vigorously between sips of the beer we had both happily agreed on (Does that mean true love?) we quickly landed on the topic of dating.

We were like-minded people, both deeply rooted in the pursuit of our careers and narrowly focused on the path to that success. As he detailed his recent dating experiences and stressed how difficult it was to find someone who could embrace his schedule, I found myself readily nodding along. “He gets it,” I silently mused.

“The thing is, I don’t have a void to fill. I have amazing friends and I love what I do for work. I’m happy. So I don’t feel like I’m searching. I know what I need in someone for it to work, but I don’t feel the pressure to force a fit that isn’t there, you know?”

As soon as he said those words, I was brought back to a conversation I had had with someone’s older relative a few months ago. She had asked me if I was dating anyone. I replied, “Not really. I’ve been on some dates, but nothing too exciting.”
She chuckled and shook her head. “Dating was so different in my day.”
I asked her what she meant, and she gifted me with some insight that — in the midst of my own “20-something path to understanding where I am at” mindset — provided a bit of perspective. She explained that when she met her husband, they were each other’s firsts. They met and fell in love at a young age (which was the norm). They grew up together, literally and figuratively.

Of course, today, we scoff at the idea of putting a label on it too soon, moving in with someone hastily or getting married too young. For us, it’s usually more of a waiting game.

Hell, every time I see a new engagement notice pop up on my newsfeed that involves anyone below the age of 25, I visibly cringe. But before, this was embraced. Your partner wasn’t seen as a risk to your future or as a distraction. He or she was your support. He or she was there to help you create your future.
Of course, everything she detailed wasn’t a page out of “The Notebook,” by any means. She admitted there were no shortage of trials or tribulations to endure. But they leaned on each other to get through them.

School, marriage, work, financial troubles, family disputes: These things brought them together, instead of tearing them apart. They learned to need each other. The difference now is, the majority of Millennials are hell-bent on paving their own, independent paths before they even consider joining their lives with another. We don’t want to need anyone. Or at least, not until the last possible second.
This is great, actually. This is everything I preach and everything I believe in. Don’t rush. Don’t create voids that need to be filled by another. Don’t force it.
Focus on yourself, your personal happiness and your career. The rest will naturally follow suit. University, master’s degrees, wanderlust, passions and careers: These are all things that often take precedent to the relationships we consider. We recognize the importance of satisfying these elements of our lives first, before incorporating someone else into the picture.

The thing is, though, we are creating our lives and then trying to make them fit with another’s so far down the rabbit hole, so to speak. In the past, you likely grew up with your partner and passed through the early tests of life with him or her. You learned about each other in the process, and were surrounded by the life you created together.

Today, we trudge through university, ship off to other parts of the world, throw ourselves into demanding careers and become accustomed to a life of prioritizing ourselves first. This isn’t a bad thing, but I can now see how it makes it harder for us to find a fit with someone else.

Sure, we meet people. We date and we go through the motions. But when the honeymoon feelings fade and the relationship is put to the test, it is so much easier to cut our losses and walk away. We have our own lives to fall back on.
We were fine before this person came around, and there are plenty of other options at the tips of our fingers, right? There was someone before, and there will be someone after. Our lives are constantly saturated with choices and distractions. This makes vulnerability seem more and more like an unnecessary expenditure.
I’m the walking embodiment of this practice. I’m 22 years old, and I wear my independence like a badge on my chest. I work three jobs. I’m in the office from 8 am to 4 pm. I do my content work from home, and then, I bartend. I also have to make time for my dog, my friends, cooking, going to the gym and sleeping: You know, human things.

I consider my desire to be busy and motivated a necessary part of who I am. It’s what makes me a passionate, success-hungry Millennial, right? This is how we have to operate to get ahead.

I’m not alone here. Every day, I meet more people who take on as much as they can to pursue their own individual happiness. This is amazing. But admittedly, this is also a tough breed of person to date.

Are we closing ourselves off to the possibility of slow-burning, long-developed love? Are we just hoping that someone will come along and fit perfectly with every commitment, tendency and mindset we’ve formed throughout our 20s and 30s?
In theory, we know exactly what we want. But are we really open to it? Can we put it into practice? Or are we looking for the quick spark, the “perfect on paper?” Then, do we check out when we sense some impending disconnect?
After all, Tinder dates and hookups are easy and quick cycles of instant gratification, riding on the process of efficient elimination. Working through the initial, ongoing hurdles of long-term love, however, is not so easy or quick.

“It’s no wonder there are so many breakups now. You guys have so much going on. Everything is about meeting demands and the next best thing, and you have so many reasons to look elsewhere. You’re always looking elsewhere. If things don’t work out, you go back to your separate lives and try again with someone else. That just wasn’t how it worked for us. There was no going back. There was only moving forward together.”

I may not be ready to consider marriage before I’m at least 30, and I may reject most traditional concepts of love and courtship. But I think she makes an interesting point.

Maybe it doesn’t have to be one extreme or another. Maybe it’s about finding a balance between the two.
Maybe it’s worth it to take an introspective look at how we really examine our romantic intentions as Millennials, and ask ourselves if we are leading lifestyles that are conducive to love.

We don’t have to do this, of course. But I think it’s worth thinking about.


Article from:
Why Waiting Until You’re Older To Settle Down Could Set You Up For Failure

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How to get back into the dating game after a long term relationship

Being newly single does not have to be a time of isolation and loneliness.

Get over your ex and get with someone new

Being single for the first time in a long while is both scary and exciting. Here is your guide to getting back into the dating game successfully after the demise of your LTR.
No doubt you have heard all of the advice on working on yourself. It is only human to stack on the pounds when in a secure relationship. Make yourself as attractive as can be, by working on your body, improving your fashion sense, and pursuing your interests with passion and drive. Working on yourself does not mean you have to take time away from the dating scene, however. These tips will help you attract women as a newly single guy.
Go out with your single friends
You may have let certain friendships lapse while you were coupled up. There was no reason to go out with the boys every weekend, when at that point in your life you would rather have a cosy night in. Your new single status is the perfect excuse to catch up with old friends. Get a group together and go out. Make it a regular occasion. Say “yes” to as many social events as you can, as you never know when you will meet someone you click with. If the majority of your friends are happily in relationships, you may also need to make new friends who are interested in going out to bars.
Install Tinder
You have emerged from your long-term relationship cocoon to find that internet dating is no longer looked down upon. In fact, everyone is doing it. The fickle nature of Tinder is not for everyone, but it is worth a try at least. You may meet someone special, and you will have plenty of fun in the meantime. Tinder can also be a great confidence booster as well as a way to hone your texting game.
Be open-minded
Go on dates with women who would not be your usual type. Do not discount someone as a romantic interest just because she is into different music. You may think you know what you are looking for, but do you really? Going on plenty of dates will not only be an enjoyable experience, but it will also help you distil what you are really looking for in a partner. Don’t just go for girls who are similar to your ex because that is what you are used to.
Avoid being a desperado
Being desperate for a woman’s affection is a major turn-off. Many newly single guys think they should be pursuing every female organism within a one mile radius, and will only talk to women with the intent of pursuing things further. Avoid giving off this desperate vibe but not having huge expectations. Talk to women just for the sake of chatting, and you will find that some are interested in you while others are not. This is far more productive than hitting on every woman you see, which is off-putting to the targets of your affection.


Read more here. 
From TSB Magazine by Natasha Abrahams

How to Handle Being “Just Friends”

One of the biggest myths in dating – and one I can’t stand – is the idea that men and women can’t be just friends. In its own way, it’s perversely fascinating because it’s very much a Straight People Problem. The idea that sex will inevitably come between two people doesn’t seem to be an issue when it’s two gay men or two gay women… and then of course, the idea that bi and pansexual people can’t be friends with anyone. But put a straight man and woman together and the general assumption is that somehow sex will inevitably rear its head and make platonic intimacy impossible.

“Oh come on, how is that NOT a one-way ticket to Boner Town?”

As tempting as it is to just make jokes and quote When Harry Met Sally, the idea that men and women can’t be just friends is actually shockingly toxic to men. Men already have a hard enough time fostering emotionally intimate friendships with other men; when we also accept that platonic intimacy with women can’t exist, we isolate ourselves even further. As a result: we find ourselves even lonelier than before, even when we’re surrounded by friends and familes.
As part of an ongoing series on helping men be more emotionally intelligent, we’re going to pick apart some of the barriers to cross-gender platonic intimacy and talk about how to learn to be able to be just friends with women… and how this can make us better, healthier men.

Believing the Worst About Ourselves (And Acting Accordingly)

The problems with men and women trying to be just friends is actually surprisingly complicated… for men. Women have much less of an issue of compartmentalizing attraction from intimacy. In fact, a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, suggested that while women were capable of keeping things platonic, men tended to have a harder time with the idea. But far from being a case of biology being destiny, this is a confluence of issues for men ranging from ideas surrounding male sexuality, to gender relations and emotional intelligence.
And one of the biggest issues when it comes to the idea that men and women can’t be just friends is that it’s predicated on men believing the worst about themselves.
One of the oldest and hoariest tropes surrounding male sexuality is that all men are inherently horny beasts and are powerless before our penises. Because our sex drives are so all-encompassing, we are unable to compartmentalize sex from every other aspect of our lives. In fact, our lives are focused around getting our penises into as many holes as possible over the course of our lifetime. This, of course, means that no matter what our conscious minds might wish to believe, ultimately our cocks have the final say in just about everything in our lives.

“Sorry I was trying to listen to your plan for my financial future but… booooooobs….”

This is part and parcel of some of the bizarre contradictions surrounding toxic masculine ideals – that being a man means being at the mercy of our id. We can’t relate to women as individuals or as anything other than potential fuck-holes because we’re too immature to be able to control ourselves. By default, any interaction with someone of the opposite sex¹ that we’re not related to is prelude to our trying to sleep with them. Of course, not only does this mean that not only can we not trust women, but we can’t trust men either. After all, if men are powerless before their penises and can ultimately only interact with women as a prelude to sex, it means that the men in your life are all waiting to betray you. By definition, every man you spend time with is simply waiting for the opportunity to bang your girlfriend or wife and will do so as soon as your back is turned. In fact, the JSPR study validates this: men were as likely to desire to date their “taken” female friends as their single ones.
Now to be sure, there are people who will talk about things like “bro code” keeping their friends from crossing those lines, and perhaps they even believe it to an extent. But at its core, believing that men and women only interact on a sexual level only serves to isolate men further; sex keeps men from being genuine with women and by extension, in competition with all other men. Who, then, can guys turn to for their emotional health? They’ve cut themselves off from all forms of social support, unable to trust anybody beyond the most surface level.
And while we’re talking about an inability to trust…

Friends Under False Pretenses

This idea that sex gets in the way of all cross-gender friendships leads to, among other things, women being unable trust men. One of the issues brought up in the JSPR study and related follow-up is the number of men who treat a cross-gender friendship as an opportunity for sex or a romantic relationship. For many men, being “friends” with a woman is simply the pretext to hang around in order to get into their pants.

“It’s taken me ten years to get here. Just a little while longer…”

This behavior serves to further isolate men, not just from friendships but potentially from romantic or sexual relationships as well. Because so many women have been betrayed like this, they’re naturally more guarded and less trusting of guys, even ones who have legitimate intentions. While not every guy does this² , the fact that almost every woman has a story of someone who was pretending to be her friend in order to get laid means that they’re left having to assume ulterior motives.
However, the idea that sex and friendship are mutually incompatible is also part of what leads to men thinking of friendship as a consolation prize for sex – devaluing both sex and friendship at the same time. It treats the offer of a legitimate emotional connection as a sort of “fuck you, you’re not good enough for me,” rather than someone³ trying to show that yes, they do value having you in their lives. This belief is, in no small part, part of how men are taught to believe that The Friend Zone is something that’s done to them – a cruel trick, or a way to keep men dancing in attendance to satisfy a woman’s emotional needs until a “real” man comes along.
Hell, for some, the idea that women would offer friendship is inherently insulting.
This is the trap in treating male/female friendship as “just friends” – the implication is that being a friend is inherently lesser in terms of intimacy or importance in another’s life if sex is not involved.
Except sexual attraction and friendship aren’t and don’t need to be mutually exclusive…

The False Dichotomy of Sex and Friendship

The generally accepted meme – as codified by When Harry Met Sally is that men can’t be friends with women they’re attracted to because sex inevitably gets in the way.
The part that goes unmentioned is how sex and sexual attraction get in the way. After all, if you’re dating somebody, you presumably have an emotional connection as well; it’s difficult to keep up a relationship with someone you can’t stand. Sex, somehow, doesn’t get in the way of friendship in that context. Is it because women don’t trust someone who’s attracted to them? Or perhaps because a man who’s attracted to a woman can’t act honestly around her as he tries to get her into bed? Then the problem isn’t sex, it’s the lying. Is it because the man will automatically attempt to court and bed her and this will drive them apart? Then the problem isn’t sex, it’s the behavior, making it a boundary issue. Is it because sex would “ruin” the friendship? Then the problem isn’t sex, it’s the two individuals involved and how they relate to sex. Is it because a man doesn’t or won’t respect someone who lets him sleep with her? Then the problem is that he’s an asshole.
(Notice how the issue is the man’s behavior? That’s in no small part because we as a culture seem to accept that it’s the man’s view of the relationship that decides whether it’s platonic or romantic…)
At its core, the idea that sex and friendship are mutually exclusive seems to come down to two issues. The first is that the two can’t exist simultaneously; the fact that you’re sexually attracted to someone means that what you feel isn’t friendship. The second is that attraction must be fulfilled, that an erection is a call to action.
In the former, part of the problem seems to revolve around our concepts of love and desire. We tend to only believe in two kinds of love: the sexless love for family and the love we reserve for our partners. Because we may not be interested in dating our friends, it means that by default, that love must be sexless. If sexual desire is involved then it can’t be friendship. At the same time however, we’re perfectly capable of being sexually attracted to people we don’t like; hell, sometimes we’re attracted to people we actively loathe. If sex can exist independently of wanting to date or marry someone (or even liking them) then it can’t contradict friendship.
In the latter, the problem is the idea that attraction is something that must be pursued and that the pursuit somehow conflicts with being friends. The problem here is the assumption that attraction is automatically the only impulse we can’t control. We all have impulses and ideas that we don’t act on, all the damn time. After all, if we responded to every stray emotion or thought we had,  I-35 would look like something out of George Miller’s wet dream.

“Meanwhile, commuters are advised to avoid the 35/290 interchange due to heavy War Boy activity as drivers are looking to die historic on the Fury Road.”

Part of being a grown-ass adult is learning how to handle our feelings. The fact that we’re attracted to somebody doesn’t necessarily require that we’re going to pursue it. For that matter it doesn’t even need to be brought up. It’s entirely possible to be just friends with someone without telling them that oh, by the way, you want to see them naked. It’s possible to let attraction just be, rather than making it somebody else’s issue. In fact, that refusal to not pursue it and treat every woman as a potential sex partner gets in the way of men’s emotional health.

The Emotional Benefits To Being Just Friends

While it’s difficult to talk about the benefits to being friends with someone without making friendship sound mercenary, pursuing a platonic friendship with women has benefits overall. Developing, accepting and maintaining a platonic friendship with women helps men learn to grow, socially and emotionally.
For example: one of the interesting findings of the JSPR study was that men tended to regularly overestimate their female friends’ interest in them.

“Oh yeah. She wants me. Just gagging for it.”

To a certain extent, it’s understandable that some men might confuse platonic affection for attraction. Women, in general, tend to be more emotionally and physically demonstrative with their friends, being more willing to open up, share secrets and generally show appreciation for their friends. Men, on the other hand, are socialized to be more closed off and keep things inside. When any demonstration of affection or intimacy is rare or unusual, it’s not surprising that guys may confuse something as simple as a friendly hug as a neon sign reading “She wants the D”. Being just friends can, among other things, help men learn to differentiate between signs of friendliness vs. signs of sexual interest and attraction. By being exposed to more forms of intimacy and affection – beyond the assumption that all cross-gender interactions are inherently sexual – it’s possible to learn to be both more demonstrative and able to accept that affection.
Having more female friends can help you improve your social calibration. Understanding women, listening to them – really listening to them, instead of trying to explain their own lived experiences to them – can help you learn how to relate better to others. By paying attention and listening to what women have to say, you’ll start to learn. Even learning to recognize how the way you say something can come across as patronizing or insulting when you don’t mean it to can help improve your ability to read social situations and respond.
But outside of practical issues, being friends with women is healthier for men, emotionally. As I mentioned earlier: men have issues with social isolation and emotional intimacy. Because of fears of being perceived as gay or unmanly, we tend to hold back from opening up to our male friends. As a result: we tend to make our partners our sole source of emotional support. That is a tremendous burden for any one person. Having female friends who are just friends gives you a broader base of support – and gives them more support when they need it as well.
Just to be clear: I’m not saying that platonic female friends are there to teach you how to emotion better. It’s on you to learn how to do this yourself, especially by following examples, not to expect others to do the work for you. And yes,  you should also seek out more emotionally intimate relationships with men too – I’ll cover this in a future article.

How To Be Just Friends With Someone You’re Attracted To

So with all of this in mind: how do you navigate the issue of attraction to someone you’re just friends with?
For starters: relax about it. Attraction to a friend is understandable, even common. After all, you wouldn’t be friends with them if you weren’t compatible and if you didn’t think they were awesome, would you? The key is to not let the feeling throw you or make you panic. The fact that you’re attracted to somebody is inherently neutral. It doesn’t say anything about your friendship to them. It doesn’t mean you need to do anything about it. It just is. It may seem like the best thing you can do is force it away; this is actually a mistake. Trying to stuff an emotion or feeling down the memory hole just makes it even more present in your mind. Ever try to not think of something? For example: try to not picture Estelle Getty dressed as a fox at a bondage club.

And now that you’ve done that, please take this adorable kitten as a mental palate cleanser.

Instead of trying to force it away, just let it be. Don’t dwell on it but don’t avoid it. Acknowledge it to yourself and move on. You will have enough stuff going on in your life that other things will occupy your mind as long as you aren’t making your attraction a big deal.
The other thing you should do is behave normally. Your crush is your business, not your friend’s. Bringing your feelings front and center as part of your friendship is forcing your friend to deal with something that’s not their responsibility. As Captain Awkward puts it: part of being just friends with someone you’re attracted to means setting some self-boundaries. Flirting with them (if you don’t already have a flirty friendship), denigrating her relationships with people who aren’t you, making joking-but-not-really comments about the two of you as a couple, or doing things like the too-long-and-now-it’s-awkward full-body hug are all ways of making your issue theirs. 
Should you mention it? Well, that depends on a couple of issues. If they’re dating someone else or otherwise have a monogamous commitment, then no, you should not. It’s not fair to put them in the position to have to turn you down and risk hurting your feelings. Have they been giving you signals that they might want to be more than friends? Are you capable of not taking rejection personally and letting the matter drop if she turns you down without it curdling your friendship? Then it might be possible to carefully broach the topic. If you don’t want to take the risk… then no. Keep it to yourself and allow things to progress on their own.
Women make amazing, valuable friends, when people don’t let issues of sex or romance complicate things needlessly. Handling an inconvenient attraction to a friend, or being just friends with someone you’re attracted to are part of developing your emotional intelligence. Not obsessing about your feelings not only lets you continue to enjoy your friendship, but it also leaves you open for when you meet someone who is right for you, romantically.

1. again: gay and bi men and women don’t seem to have this issue… heteronormativity, y’all!
2. #notallmen indeed
3. presuming that they’re being genuine and not giving the reflexive, socially conditioned “soften the blow” response

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